I know what you’re thinking. Another project I’m prioritizing over the best films of 2024 list? What can I say except that it’s hard for me to pay attention to movies when my country is falling into fascism….
…and speaking of the felon president, let’s hop in the wayback machine to 2017!
Ah yes, 2017. A year…I’ve already reviewed extensively, but holy shit I have just been thinking so much about the music from this year now more than ever with how the popular music from this year completely distracted me from the cultural zeitgeist. While tyrannical reign number two has not exactly done such a thing yet with all the 2024 holdovers still on top of the charts.
Honestly the main reason I’m covering this year is because my friend asked for me to do this list over again (hi Kevin!). And honestly I’m glad he did because my worst list has aged terribly. I’m absolutely not linking you all to it because while I’m proud of how I wrote the list up, I don’t agree with the choices eight years later.
A slight programming note though. You all have spoken and you like my new process for backwash and since there is one particular 2016 song on my worst list again, I'm making this a top eleven, not a top ten. All good? Good. I definitely take any feedback into consideration.
I’ve done this once before for the year 2013; so here we go again! Kevin…look what you made me do. We are counting down!
And let’s start this list off by saying “Look What You Made Me Do” is not making the worst list this time around.
God the amount of worst lists this was one sure was a 2017 thing. Mine included. I mean what can I say. It was absolutely and admittedly still is humiliating to listen to. But I would be lying if I still didn’t think eight years later that this is a trainwreck I can’t look away from with fascination.
So, yeah. You’re not going to find the most popular worst list target from this year on my worst list redo…you’ll just find the OTHER most popular worst list target.
11. “Body Like a Back Road” - Sam Hunt
Previously: #2
And let me take the time with this entry to point out that I’m STILL following my modern rules with repeat entries because not only does it challenge me from beating up on an easy backwash target from 2016…yes it is the one you’re thinking of; but 2017 has far too many failures from this year that it’s easy to see why trap music absolutely dominated this year when are alternatives were songs like THIS.
Look. You all know why this song fucking sucks. And time may have been a little kinder because of just how amazingly boneheaded this is, it still doesn’t justify this song’s existence. But why is it not any higher up on this list? Well…is Sam Hunt secretly a genius?
I think it is a legitimate question to ask. Not just because he milked this album cycle for seven years; seriously I thought he was going to retire since it took him three years to follow up this song. And not just due to this song being insanely catchy. I hate how often this song gets stuck in my head. But look at how huge country music is now. Ten years ago, country music had like maybe three or four songs on a year end list. Compared to now where country music IS the genre of the moment. I think it’s a question worth asking since “Body Like a Back Road” was in the top ten forever back in 2017 if that was one of the songs that kicked off the surge in country music popularity. If it wasn’t THE catalyst, it is at least one of them.
So maybe next time you compare your significant other to a beaten down muddy road full of divots and cracks; you will thank Sam Hunt for getting this mind numbingly infuriating song stuck in your head forever.
https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/liam-payne-cause-of-death-confirmed-polytrauma-uk-inquest-1235872946/
I know its illwill to speak negatively about the recently deceased. And I will not speak negatively about him as a person…just about the music. The very bad music.
10. “Strip That Down” - Liam Payne (featuring Quavo)
Previously: DM
Liam’s one and only solo hit song was bad in 2017 and has only gotten worse with each and every passing listen. It obviously got the huge industry push back then like most of the One Direction solo hits; but unlike Niall, Harry, and…whoever the guy was that didn’t even bother following up with anything else after 1D; this one sucked because it was very “of the moment”. Trap was huge, why not have a pop take on it. Quavo was handing out guest features like there was no tomorrow; why not the most phoned in verse of his career. And of course; the song having FIFTEEN writers including Ed Freaking Sheeran. Yeah this song was 1000% set up to be a hit.
Too bad Liam Payne’s performance here fucking sucks. I’m sorry and I’m probably going to piss off a lot of people off with this; but Liam just doesn’t have the swagger or the charisma to pull a song like this off. I may hate Zayn’s post 1D solo career the most, but he had the right to brag about being free from One Direction. He did it first. Liam making a stupidly provocative sex jam just makes this the Temu version of everything Zayn has already done. Granted it’s not worst than PILLOWTALK. You really have to go the extra mile to do that. But at least I remember PILLOWTALK. I have no memory of this from 2017 and the only reason I really remember it now is because of retrospective worst lists this has appeared on since…and Liam’s passing with this being the only hit Liam ever had.
Rest in Peace Liam. Now time to let fate judge me on how the people will take this entry as.
So these next two entries, while they are being written separate from each other are going to be two
sides of a coin, preamble-wise.
2017 is in the history books as one of the biggest years for rap music, quite possibly ever. As I already stated, trap absolutely dominated the Hot 100 this year. So much so that some of my friends said this is one of the best years for rap ever. Me? I honestly prefered the peak years of the early to mid 2000s and the mid to late 90s more; but I’ll concede and say that the genre absolutely deserved to be the mood of music this year.
However, not all of it was good obviously. Only a handful of the new artists moved on to have careers. This is one of the artists who did not.
9. “Rolex” - Ayo & Teo
Previously: DM
Did you know that these two helped invent the Toosie Slide alongside Toosi himself who had a hit in 2023? Man the more information I uncover about one of the most hilarious number ones of the last five years…
…that’s all I have to say about the artists really. Because this song just sounds like Kidz Bop Rae Sremmurd.
Yeah 2017 was a REALLY big year for Rae Sremmurd. An act that I didn’t like initially but grew to love the longer their careers were. So much so that I’m absolutely pissed off on their behalf when they have these two untalented hacks trying to do what they do; but even worse.
Honestly, is it even fair to call this trap music? What's the literal difference between this and the Vine rap songs that were popular the years prior to 2017? And speaking of literal difference? Which one is Ayo and which one is Teo? At least I can identify which member is which in Rae Sremmurd?
Man if this song came out in 2019, you all would clown it as the TikTok bait that this was. I will give it this. The chorus would have trended on TikTok for sure because I could not even tell you what the rest of this song is outside of the chorus that would have popped off at the 8th grade dances this was probably played at in schools at the time. Mrs. Johnson would surely be proud of her star pupils!
Next!
https://thenextweb.com/news/someone-measured-pop-song-repetitiveness-now-head-hurts
And on the flip side, we had pop music sounding like it was written by an algorithm. One of the most common complaints for the pop music of this year was that it all literally sounded the same because the genre was “dying”. Which that’s fair. Why listen to fun pop music of the early to mid 2010s when the cultural zeitgeist was dour and depressed?
This was the worst example of this.
8. “Starving” - Hailee Steinfeld & Grey (featuring Zedd)
Previously: DM
This is the worst example I can think of in recent memory when it comes to music by algorithm. Practically every major pure pop song of 2017 sounded indifferent from the next. From production style to low effort singing to just doing anything to get on the radio so you wouldn't necessarily change the station but would trick you into thinking you were listening to just a streaming playlist. I hated this year and 2018 for being so non-distinct that maybe that's why I am more forgiving to 2019 than most.
And speaking of non-distinct, let's talk about Hailee Steinfeld's failed pop career. I don't necessarily think she's even a bad singer. I watched the Pitch Perfect movies. I know she has the pipes. But man, was trying to follow in Taylor Swift's foot steps just not the right move for her career wise. Between this and the EDM duet with fucking Florida Georgia Line that I'm sure you all forgot about until I wrote those words....you know what this might be the only time I ever talk about that song, so here you go in all of its utterly terrible glory:
Anyway, Hailee has GLADLY prioritized her acting career where I will tell you that the former Oscar nominee is smart to have done that. She is still an encapsulating actress where she commands your attention on screen. But as a pop singer, she's just another voice. And not even Zedd and...I couldn't tell you who the other EDM producer is by name; neither of them are able to bring out any sort of strengths in her vocals where she is just an empty vessel. I mean that's what they like out of their EDM music, but somehow she is less than a empty vessel. Because let me tell ya, can an empty vessel produce such memorable lyrics like
Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo
and of course...
By the way, right away, you do things to my body
I don't even know what to tell you. Those are such bafflingly bad lyrics that they speak for themselves. Look all I'm saying is that when "Sinners" comes to theaters next Friday, I'm going to sit there and watch Hailee act her ass off in that. And not stick around for the apparent movie soundtrack song she sang for the end credits. Next!
You know what I’m ashamed of most when it comes to redoing these worst lists? Coming across songs that I completely missed the first time around. And my god, I am VERY sorry for this next entry not being on the worst list last time.
7. “Don’t Wanna Know” - Maroon 5 (featuring Kendrick Lamar)
Previously: N/A
SERIOUSLY WHY WAS THIS NOT ON THE OG WORST LIST. I actually revisited MANY of my pop song mini reviews I did in 2017 where I basically shrugged this song off like it was nothing because “who the fuck cares about Maroon 5, but at least the Kendrick verse was fine.
https://youtu.be/jSHNgsiMHj8?si=bAmv9hGMtslRTYKZ
…really? Was that Kendrick verse “fine”? A not so wise man once said “Maroon 5 needs a verse, you better make it witty” because at least he never did a pop guest verse that fucking embarrassing…until he got cancelled.
I’m sorry for not having this on the worst list prior. This is FAR worse than “Cold” ever was. At least “Cold” makes interesting production choices and sounds like something you would hear from the dark house music subgenre; no matter how CGI’d Adam Levine sounds. This? This is what if Adam Levine was trying to be Justin Bieber with all the tropical pop music Bieber was doing back at around this time.
And speaking of being dated, I still don’t understand what the fuck this music video is?!?!? 2017 was eight fucking years ago and Pokemon Go was the year before 2017. How instantly dated can you be with the cultural zeitgeist Levine!?!?
Don't Wanna Know. So much worse than you all remembered an already bad song to be. I'm so sorry.
[“And let’s start this list off by saying “Look What You Made Me Do” is not making the worst list this time around.”]
This doesn’t mean Taylor Swift is getting off that easily from appearing on this list.
6. “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” - Zayn & Taylor Swift
Previously: #9
When I think of how Taylor does not do duets well, this will always be Exhibit A for me. These two have negative chemistry together, admittedly to the point that Taylor Swift feels like a freaking afterthought; which I didn’t know was even humanely possible. Say what you want about Taylor Swift, but she commands your attention. Not here. This part could have been done by anybody.
As always, my blame goes to the charisma vacuum that is Zayn Malik. Who clearly was so driven by that soundtrack money to basically rip himself off again by making an incredibly unsexy song about sex for a movie franchise that wouldn’t know sexy if it whipped itself from behind. And might I ask, if any artist was going to so shamelessly rip his or herself off. WHY RIP OFF ONE OF THE WORST SONGS EVER, PILLOWTALK!?!?
And before this conversation evolves to me just repeatedly bashing one of my least favorite songs of all time, I'm just going to stop right there and just be perfectly blunt that none of the Fifty Shades songs are anywhere close to remotely good, this is hands down the worst of the bunch. Because Fifty Shades is not a movie in the same way that this is not even a song. They are both fragments and just utter trash. Let's move on before this dull useless trash puts me to sleep.
So I think I mentioned this back in 2022 during my previous iteration of the Top 20 rankings that I find the Imagine Dragons backlash of 2018 onward incredibly fascinating. To the point that my friend and I did a discography deep dive of all their albums up to that point to figure out where it all went wrong.
And at one point, it made me revisit my thoughts on “Believer”. A song I absolutely hated and ranked pretty far high up the worst list that previous go around. Do I still hate it now- …I actually think it’s okay. It’s not a workout list staple persay, but when I do hear it, it absolutely gets me pumped up to finish a set. It absolutely does NOT work as advertisement or trailer music; which it was for practically everything in 2017. But I finally found a good use for it.
….what I’m saying is I should have been fighting the real enemy in 2017 this whole time.
5. “Thunder” - Imagine Dragons
Previously: N/A
"Thunder" by Imagine Dragons is one of the most artistically bankrupt songs I've ever heard. And I'm even more embarrassed that this NEVER made a worst list of mine until this point. To be honest, this is one of the main reasons I wanted to redo this worst list so I can give this the proper bashing that it warrants.
I don't hear thunder or anything thunderous about this. This song title is a fucking farce. The only thing booming about this is the sales of the products that used this song to advertise them. What does being a fan of this song say about you? I'll tell you what it says. It says that you have next to no taste for actually compelling music.
True story here. I had a childhood friend of mine who got married in 2017 and his wife got to be very selective of what songs were played at their wedding reception. And it was a bunch of older Disney music, 1940s and 1950s songs, some traditional and classic wedding music from much older eras, and Christian music. It was one of the more baffling receptions I have ever been to. And suddenly, I heard this damn song and he came up to me and a few of the other guys saying "Guess what guys? I got to sneak at least one song onto this reception set list and I had to fight for it to be included, but this is it!"
Like how the fuck could you even be remotely proud that this is the song you had to fight for. Even at your wedding? How can ANYONE dance to this. I guess unless you do that whatever the fuck dance Dan Reynolds does in this. This isn't rock music. This isn't even alternative music. This is mono-genre mush that the 2010s had far too much of to try and get that crossover radio play and streaming playlist payola.
This is ass in not even the most compelling way to talk about and while I do think if the Imagine Dragons backlash was justified, its songs like "Demons", "I Bet My Life", and THIS that make me think, yes. Yes it is.
Do I really have to add context to this next choice?
4. “Treat You Better” - Shawn Mendes
Previously: #3
Is literally anyone going to question why I placed one of the most hated pop songs of the entire decade as one of my worst songs of 2016…I mean 2017? No? Let’s move on before I hear that sniveling simp shout....
BEDDAH DAN ECAN!
Yep you are reading this right. The final three songs on this worst list are worse than one of the most hated and worst songs of the 2010’s. That just goes to show how absolutely putrid this worst list actually is. Wait did I say putrid? Hold on there has to be another word. How about….UGLY. You your daddy’s son…
3. “Juju on That Beat” - ??????????
Previously: DM
I have spewed a lot of vitriol so far on this worst list about the songs and at times the acts; but I’m at least comfortable in saying that they are all legitimate artists. These two are not. These two are so irrelevant and devoid of anything resembling musicians that there is absolutely no excuse for this to exist.
These were two artists who were absolutely not ready for fame, let alone entering the music industry. They sound like they haven’t had a single moment of proper training or made any other revisions to the lyrics to notice that there is not a single ounce of clever wordplay or rhyme scheme.
Which yeah, I know. Why am I such a stickler for lyrics. Not all eras of music had clever lyrics or wordplay. Say what you will about the crunk era, which is what these two were trying to go for with that Crime Mob sample. But my god, at least the rappers of that era had bite and menace to their music. These two would have gotten laughed off at the stage at the Kid’s Choice Awards if they performed that song there.
Hell in case if you haven’t noticed up until this point, I didn’t even write down who performed this song because seriously; who the fuck actually cares what these kids names are. And that includes the Wikipedia page where after years of making jokes about these two and this song not having a Wikipedia page; it finally exists. So that’s how we will transition to the next song on the worst list. Link to their Wikipedia page is below and read all the exciting history of their career….which is only this song:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zay_Hilfigerrr_%26_Zayion_McCall
Now that you are finished reading that long awaited Wikipedia page, let’s move onto rappers who having had a career is ugly to go back to the word putrid that this guy STILL has a career.
2. “Tunnel Vision” - Kodak Black
Previously: #6
I’m going to start off with the positives. This Metro Boomin beat slaps. I love those panpies.
…that’s all the positives. Literally everything else about this song is fucking repulsive. And traditionally, I would go over all the reasons why this song is heinous. But I think we all know that one line that completely throws the narrative that this song’s story is trying to convey:
I get any girl I want, I don’t gotta rape
Usually one line isn’t enough to ruin a song for me, but that one line completely kills this song dead on arrival. BUT WAIT THIS ISN’T THE ACTUAL LYRIC….yes it is. I don’t care how many rewrites this song had and that the technical lyric is “I get any girl I want, any girl I want”. He has performed that line live at concerts since and all the laundry list of charges Kodak has faced since including; woudln’t you know it, sexual assault. All this only further proves that he was guilty of rape back at the time of this song’s release.
Now I know what you are thinking. Does this mean every Kodak song he has ever released is terrible by association? No. But when this song’s main reason for existing is solely about people not liking to see Kodak winning as the narrative; then you have to bring the artist into the art, no separation. So yes, Kodak. I do not like to see you winning and from the looks of the penitentiary you are at; you certainly aren’t.
So with all the major changes I’ve done revising this list, what could possibly be the worst song of 2017 after revisiting this years later….that hasn’t changed a single bit.
1. “Issues” - Julia Michaels
Previously AND STILL: #1
For all the different variations of bad music I’ve heard on this year end list; I can at the very least understand who each of these songs are for. I can probably find that one person out there who can definitively say “this is the greatest song I have ever heard”. I may not like the person who says that “Tunnel Vision” is their favorite song; but I can at least where someone might be coming from if they gave that song to someone else besides one of the most reprehensible musicians of my lifetime. Shoot, I can probably find some sixteen year old out there who thought that “Juju on That Beat” was their bop when they were eight years old.
But for the life of me, to this day. I don’t understand how anyone can find “Issues” by Julia Michaels as one of their favorite songs ever. This song is just so remarkably absent of anything remotely interesting. It is a complete waste of my time. Julia Michaels wrote most of Selena Gomez’s hits and my god does it show. I may not be the biggest fan of Selena Gomez as a singer with the amount of times that she has shown up on my worst lists over the years; but at the very least, I can understand why Selena Gomez has a stan community and die hard fans. She is at least interesting as a person. She just can’t convey it in her music.
And that’s where Julia Michaels falls. Literally all of the worst traits of Selena as a performer, except even worse at finding anything salvageable about her as a performer. Your song is called “issues”. I don’t fucking believe it for a single fucking second that this is a person who has issues…unless that issue is completely boring your listening audience. I remember coming across a review for this song on Billboard’s site that stated this song has “blunt honest lyricism and razor-sharp songwriting”.....WHICH PART. The part where she has issues and that her boyfriend has them too? The part where she says that her biggest issue is how badly she needs her boyfriend?
And can I say that I fucking LOATHE the minimalist production? Not even are you not Selena; you’re not Lorde either. It was so easy to get fucking sick of all the Lorde rip-offs after 2013 and Julia Michaels might be the worst one of them all…yes even worse than Daya. At least Daya had multiple hits. I can at least remember what Daya songs there were. But you know what the worst part about this song’s success was. This was not only a contender for Song of the Summer back in 2017; but the Grammys nominated this for Song of the Year. Burn the Grammys to the fucking ground.
Maybe the issue is me and how badly I don’t want to ever hear this song again.
