Hey everybody. We interrupt this list season to give you a brief update on the goings-on of our favorite music publication, Billboard, and their whacky insane antics they are presently up to. So what's new with this week's top twenty?
Maybe 2022 will prove me wrong and we'll have a spring and summer full of bangers and vibes. But right now? Let's just say that I think it is fitting that our number one song in America right now perfectly captures this moment in time of chart following. It is a "heat wave" of lacking content that doesn't seem to be ending any time soon. Here's the list down below I'll be working off of:
https://www.billboard.com/charts/hot-100/
So does my scathing comments mean all the songs are bad? Let's find out while we take a look at
THE 2022 SPRING BILLBOARD HOT 100 TOP 20 RANKED
THE TERRIBLE TIER
Okay it's official. I never want to hear this fucking song ever again.
"Heat Waves" - Glass Animals
Look I really could sit here all day and beat a dead horse about how stagnant the music charts are. How niche they've become and how absolutely way too many points are being designated to the radio. When the radio is so comedically behind the times at this point and are just now giving too much airplay to this song that only got popular from a stupid Minecraft fanfic meme. Which leave it to the cultural zeitgeist to beat a dead meme until its not funny anymore.
I mean what else is there left to say except the charts are stagnant because nobody seeks out music anymore. The 2020's are living proof of that because the news of the world is just too powerful to ignore. I mean let's put this into perspective with this song. At the time Glass Animals wrote this song (the album released June 2020, so let's give them a few months of songwriting before that), we experienced like fifteen years worth of news stories in the span of two whole years...and that doesn't even count the Russian invasion of Ukraine, which became a thing while I was drafting this transcript...add a few more years to this equation if World War 3 starts...okay I'm getting sidetracked again. Song...song...
But yeah, this is in the terrible tier now. Overplay has absolutely made a song that I already thought was bad that much worse. And while I have done a real shit job at following the year end chart trackings and predictions, I expect this to make it again as well as like 1/5th of the songs from the 2021 year end. And it might be fair game to make the top ten of the worst list this year, even though it was spared from it last year. I hate it that much more now.
...that being said, I still prefer that overplayed song over this one.
"Big Energy" - Latto
I told myself I was going to try to hold my cards closer to my chest this year, but fuck it. This song is a 0/10 in every single aspect across the board. It's such a cowardly cynical cash grab in remotely every aspect. Hey did you guys know people are nostalgic for "Fantasy" by Mariah Carey? Let's have Dr. Luke rehash that same sample and give this D-list Megan Thee Stallion knockoff a career. This is so fucking formulaic that it is infuriating levels of unlikeable traits that I haven't felt in quite some time.
That's probably not fair to Latto. Who I've been told deserves better than this. And to that I ask, does she? Saweetie might be talented too, but that didn't stop her from doing the exact same thing with the exact same formula right down to hiring the exact same rapist producer. But you know what, at least Saweetie gets a reaction out of me with her annoying personality every time she beats a recognizable sample into the ground. Latto could be replaced by anyone. Give the song to any female rapper like Cardi or Megan or Doja or fuck let's go there, give it to Saweetie. I can hear elements of all of them coming from Latto's flavorless rapping and singing.
The song is that obvious that the song wants you to be hooked in by that "Genius of Love" sample that Mariah Carey used back in the day and is back in pop culture relevance thanks to TikTok and that fairly recent Ryan Reynolds movie. Hell she even says "I could be your fantasy" in the chorus. It knows exactly what its doing. The formula for this is these levels of craven that nothing else fucking matters.
ALSO IT'S CALLED BIG DICK ENERGY!
THE BAD TIER
"Bad Habits" - Ed Sheeran
And speaking of things I hate much more now....does not apply to this song. I'm indifferent to the song itself now more than ever. It's harmless. But I'm a man of truth and I can't justify placing this song in a higher tier because that music video is just the absolute worst. One of the worst I've ever seen. Which how did this get a sales gain? Isn't it getting rotated out for that remixed third single with Taylor Swift?
...wasn't that collaborations mixtape three years ago? God he really will collaborate with anyone...didn't he use to be a folk singer-songwriter?
"Super Gremlin" - Kodak Black
At least he's self aware that people think of him as salt of the Earth. I'll give him this. This beat slaps at least. Like I can see why it got popular. It's too bad that it is performed by Kodak Black. Literally one of the most untalented performers of the last few years. I just do not get the appeal of this man. And it has nothing to do with him being such a terrible person. He's just a terrible performer. Like I fucking hate how he slurs all his words together to the point that I turn on the lyrical captions. At least with all your other mumble rappers like Gunna or NAV, they won't let their performances distract from the production. But that's what happens with like 80% of Kodak Black's songs. I can think of like two or three songs from him where his anti-charisma doesn't affect it. Wish that wasn't the case here.
"Surface Pressure" - Jessica Darrow
...okay before you all pull out the pitchforks, let me just say that I do like the overall Encanto experience. The soundtrack and the movie are both good stuff. I'm all for Encanto dominating the pop culture zeitgeist like it has for the last two months. Disney+ really did give this movie the delayed justice it truly deserved when it was in theaters earlier. And the soundtrack has been ruling the albums chart for over a month now too, so this movie has really had some solid staying power.
Which also includes many of the songs. "The Family Madrigal", "What Else Can I Do", and "Dos Orugitas" have been floating around the Top 40 range too. But definitely the two biggest songs of this movie are the ones that have stood out the most and ironically they both float on the opposite ends of the spectrum for me when it comes to what I like and dislike about this soundtrack. I will admit that I get why both this and "Bruno" are the ones that are doing the best. They are the catchiest...for better and in this song's case, for worse.
I know a lot of people can relate to a song about paranoia and pressure. Hell I think it speaks to the zeitgeist incredibly well. But this is more about Lin Manuel Miranda's songwriting and style...it doesn't work on a song like this. I can say this as a big fan of Lin Manuel's work, his flow and nerdy trademarks should not be applied to a song about a woman expressing her deepest insecurities onto the world. It works in Hamilton because to me, that's a musical aimed for history nerds like myself. But here? No. I'm sorry but as a fan, I'm putting my foot down. Not all vocalists can work with this style. The biggest example of what I'm saying is the chorus. That is some real weak sauce shit especially with those forced millenial WOAH-OH-OH-OH-OHs that are such a LMM trademark. And nothing against Jessica Darrow as a singer, but she's no Phillipa Soo or Renee Goldsberry or Jasmine Cephas Jones or....hell why focus on just Hamilton, let's get even more LMM-Disney by saying she's no Auli'i Cravalho (Moana). All those women had voices that meshed well with his style. Darrow just...doesn't.
Look it's easy to see why Bruno is the new big Disney song. I just disagree when it comes to this one content wise. Sorry.
THE MEDIOCRE TIER
"abcdefu" - GAYLE
Remember earlier when I was talking about the radio being behind the times? This was popular on TikTok in the summer last year and is just now nearly peaking on radio...what sort of barren wasteland are we living in?
Apparently a barren wasteland of Olivia Rodrigo knockoffs. Between this and that awful "Fingers Crossed" song that will gain traction in a few months (mark my words), the Olivia Rodrigo carbon copies are going to come out in full force. What they are going to lack is Olivia's theatrics and sharp songwriting. Which will make us all the more happier and anticipating her next album to get rid of these D-listers.
At the very least, this song is at least a hilarious level of bad than I've seen people give it credit for. I mean look at that title. That's just asking for people to make fun of its immature stupidity. Also its believable levels of petty for a girl who was sixteen when she wrote this song and seventeen when it took off. It hasn't reached Cher Lloyd levels of being an insufferable brat...yet. I think that guitar really does save this from being any worse than mediocre for me. I'm just so happy that its back...I just hope this song doesn't kill it off again.
"Ghost" - Justin Bieber
This single from that forgettable Justin Bieber album sure does exist, doesn't it? How are we already at five singles from that? What timeline even is this? It is a shame though because I think this song could have worked if it was given to a performer with actual personality and charisma.
"Pushin P" - Gunna & Future (featuring Young Thug)
Literally just copy and paste what I said in that "Super Gremlin" entry here because I can't think of anything else content wise. It is the 4 out of 10 interchangeable trap song of the season. But allow me to try to give you something of value...for the fans! Gunna is the Zack Snyder of rap music. Future saying he turned a lesbian to a pesbian is so dumb that it made me chuckle. Young Thug's part is good, should have given him more of the song.
And I do understand what "pushin p" stands for....I'm not that old and behind the times. You literally named the song pushing pee...I had to make the urine joke because they put the thought in my head.
THE DECENT TIER
If you asked me this a few months ago, this would have probably been in the mediocre tier.
"Easy On Me" - Adele
But time and the lack of real variety has made me at least appreciate this song a tad more. I still think Adele has so many better hits than this one, but the more I hear Adele begging her son to forgive her for ending her relationship with her son's father...it just hits more than it did previously. Because I wrote this song off as the biggest retread of Adele's career and easily her most overrated. And to an extent, this might still be her most overrated song...either that or "Hello", come back to me on that take. But I do at least admire the raw emotion more than I did before. Just wish she would take more chances again instead of playing it safe with the emotional ballads; no matter how great she still is at them.
"Cold Heart (PNAU Remix)" - Elton John & Dua Lipa
...the pandemic really has delayed a lot of things. Because it looks like we are finally experiencing that EDM/house remix trend that "Roses" started two years ago. You all remember that forgettable song, right? Well its a lot more influential than we thought it had any right to be as the trend seems to be really picking up steam at the moment. Hell there's another song out right now that is picking up steam that remixes "Do It To It" by Cherish, a song from when I was in high school. Way to make me feel old, pop music.
At the very least, I do kind of like this one. I mean outside of "Rocket Man", it has three of Elton John's more forgettable songs all meshed into this one disco based house music. It's not really re-inventing the wheel to have Dua Lipa singing along to them either. If Elton John was going to make a throwback to his old songs, it makes sense to have Dua Lipa, who literally has an album called "Future Nostalgia", perform such an easy cashgrab like this.
But what can I say? It is performed by Elton John and Dua Lipa. Two voices who are absolutely pleasant to listen to. I'm fine with this, no matter how cynical it may be that it exists.
"That's What I Want" - Lil Nas X
So this managed to stick around after all since last ranking. I honestly can't say that I expected that. Just like with that Justin Bieber song a few entries ago, I thought that third album singles were a thing of the pre-streaming era of music? Especially after the album dropped over half a year ago. But I chalk this up more to the current playing field than I do to the third single revival we seem to be experiencing. That said, this is easily better than "Ghost", but I still really wish I liked this one a lot more than I do. But I prefer this song more in context with the album than I do as a standalone single.
"Stay" - The Kid LAROI & Justin Bieber
This is perfectly fine. It still frustrates me that I see so much missed potential for this to be really great, but I'm willing to accept that this is still fine for what it is. A perfectly passable pop song from two artists that I normally really can't stand. I do think its amazing though that this is on its way to being one of the biggest pure pop songs of all time. Really? This song? Really?
THE GOOD TIER
"Shivers" - Ed Sheeran
I still like this, but per the theme of this seasonal ranking, I'm ready for something new. I will say that this is still better than anything else Ed Sheeran has out right now by a country mile. Come on Ed. "Overpass Graffiti" was right there for your next single.
Ahem...it looks like I was wrong.
"Enemy" - Imagine Dragons & JID
This is not going to make any sense to a good portion of my followers, but here it goes. A few months ago, I did an Imagine Dragons album retrospective with my friend and occasional writing collaborator, Wumbo. And after listening to that recent album, I more or less stated that Imagine Dragons recent album was a hilarious trainwreck and that their time making actual hits was a thing of the past. And as soon as I said that, guess who decides to skyrocket up the charts and looks like they have a legitimate smash hit for the first time in nearly five years?!
How did this happen? Was it the guest rapper? Nah. It is them relying on an old staple of the pre-pandemic pop-rap crossover appeal. Plus, JID is on J. Cole's label, so he was bound to breakthrough at some point in the near future. Was it the cross tie-in promotion from Arcane League of Legends?! I mean that makes sense doesn't it? Leave it to Imagine Dragons to get their comeback hit from what made them famous in the first place, commercials for a product! Yeah that makes perfect sense. No one would actually seek out Imagine Dragons otherwise...except the streaming for this song is legitimately really good. A lot of people are actually seeking this song out.
Whatever it is, there is something to this, isn't there? To me it's what the song is about. Imagine Dragons leaning into the 'everybody hates me' angle. It's this side to the band that has emerged over the last two to three years when the Imagine Dragons backlash truly began. Like everybody hating this band the way they hated Nickelback a decade prior. Except where Chad Kroeger really came off as an asshole, nearly everything I've heard about Dan Reynolds is that he's such a good person.
And on that last album, that was briefly explored a bit. There were a couple songs where Dan did touch upon said backlash. A lot of the time pretty badly ("No Time for Toxic People"), but it was still there. This song is basically every misstep Dan Reynolds took last year and approaching it more listenable. Yeah sure there's moments to this song where its too...well "Imagine Dragons"-esque for my taste. Mostly with how Dan Reynolds contorts his voice like singing is just miserable for him. But you know what, I'll stick up for it. I like it a lot more than a lot of Imagine Dragons past outings in recent memory. Good stuff.
"AHH HA" - Lil Durk
The piano and the percussion goes really hard on this, I love it. And Lil Durk's bars on this are straight fire. His flow and his hook are great. Like you can tell how much built up anger he has for all the shit he's gone through. I mean he lost his brother and King Von over the course of a year from someone from YoungBoy Never Broke Again's posse. Of course he is pissed off at him. Plus with the amount of potshots NBA Youngboy (this is much easier to type) has taken at Lil Durk, about time Durk responded by basically saying he has other things he should be doing other than this. And rightfully so. Durk is super close to being one of the biggest names in rap. Let this pissant keep begging for cultural relevance because you're going places while NBA Youngboy will just keep being a blip on the radar.
Otherwise, I'm over this feud between Durk and NBA Youngboy. I refuse to fully endorse this diss track on the merits of just the amounts of actual deaths this feud has drummed up once again. Like I really do get a sense of Durk wanting to ditch the street life and just focus on his music since he's so close to breaking through. Yet I feel like this being his biggest solo hit to date is only going to push Durk back to the well. I mean all the teenage white boys out there will keep egging this beef on, when in reality, this feud between Durk and NBA Youngboy should be put to rest before any more lives are taken. Like the song is good Durk, but I believe that you are capable of making something truly great and for that reason alone, end this.
Okay now let's talk about Bruno-no-no...
"We Don't Talk About Bruno" - The Encanto Cast
So how did we get here? The biggest Disney crossover song of all time? The only number one song in history to have seven credited singers...and that doesn't include all the random guest spots? Why this? Because its an absolute ear jackhammer of a song, that's how. Once it enters your brain, it never escapes.
After a few months, I can attribute a few more factors. For starters, this is a song that is tailor made for the TikTok era of pop music. It has all the simplicity, earworm style, and especially the theatrics that make so many movie songs crossover (see: The Greatest Showman). Actually let's use that example. I've seen so many songs from that movie trend on TikTok because of repeat viewings of watching the movie. And as I stated with "Surface Pressure", we are in the Encanto era of pop culture. These two eras go so perfectly together that its like a bottled up recipe for a massive successful crossover single like this. Like you can literally splice any of these seven credited parts and do an individual TikTok solely based off of that part. And because this song plays into such a crucial part of the movie, it only makes sense that this is the song that got big. Add in being incredibly catchy and insanely quotable and you've got a song that absolutely capitalized off of so many perfect moments lining up.
And for as great as this song is, I didn't put it in the excellent tier because I need a little more time to think about this. Usually my criteria for when it comes to movie singles like this, can they stand alone by itself? And I need some more time to mull that thought over for myself. Because it is so easy for me to say both yes and no. Yes because of it being such an earworm that I find myself singing it at so many random points of the day. And also no because of how much this ties into the middle of the movie for me. Especially the last part where Mirabel ties all the pieces together and notice that Bruno's vision involves her putting out the candle and then the awkward family dinner scene and...you see where I'm getting with this?
We'll see how well this holds up for me over time. Still wonderful though and absolutely deserves to be the song that got big from the movie.
THE EXCELLENT TIER
I really don't know what else to say except I still love all these songs. But I'm ready for something new. So let's just lazily recap these and move on...just like charts should be doing.
"Need to Know" - Doja Cat
Doja's best single...until "Get Into It (Yuh)" officially becomes one.
"Industry Baby" - Lil Nas X & Jack Harlow
Everyone involved should be taking multiple victory laps.
"Levitating" - Dua Lipa
Dua's about to win both copyright lawsuits.
"Save Your Tears" - The Weeknd & Ariana Grande
The fact that this is still bigger than any of those songs from Dawn.FM proves that The Weeknd needs to take some week days off and make the people miss him again.
And that's this season's Top 20 ranked...I guess. Not necessarily all bad mind you. After all, I'm sticking up for at least more than half of this week's chart being worth listening to. With that said though, as I beat the dead horse for the tenth time, I want more fresh content. I'm not ready to write this year off as a transitional year for the charts where nothing of note happened. I mean the pandemic FINALLY I HOPE AND PRAY AND BEG to be entering an endemic phase. That should mean a closer return to normalcy, even if its not what we once knew. Hopefully that means the heavy hitters are coming out in full force and that the charts will be interesting again. We shall see. Thanks for reading guys.
Before I wrap this up, I want to pause for a quick update about the rest of list season. After months and months and months of working on something regarding a worst list, I'm going to go ahead and pull the plug on that. Not because I didn't compose an actual list, but it was just not fun to write this year and honestly, it mostly consisted of hot takes. 2021 was the year where I watched the least amount of bad movies in my lifetime and honestly didn't have anything interesting worth saying about. So because of that, I'm just going to solely do a best list. I'll gladly share my worst list on my best list, but don't expect a deep dive into why these movies are bad. If anything, we need positivity now more so than ever before. So my Best Films of 2021 list should be out this month. Keep an eye out for that. Until then, take care and thank you all for following. I know my content has been lacking for the past year, but I've got some personal news to share with you all in the very near future. Stay tuned.
