This might be the most challenging worst list I’ve ever written.
And yeah, it’s mostly due to the lack of content. 2020 was the temporary death nail for cinema
as I know it. I love the normal
movie-going experience I once knew. It’s
been a tough challenge for me to handle in particular because the movie theater
was once my safe haven. It was my
hobby. Going to the theaters on a Friday
night to watch a new release in my stadium seating with a bag of popcorn
turning my mind off for a hour and thirty minutes. Things…are different now…and it is still
tough for me to accept that.
And honestly, I don’t know if movie theaters will ever be
the way I once knew ever again. Even
when the pandemic is over, it will be tough sitting that close to people in a
secluded room once again. It might be
awhile for me to personally feel safe sitting next to random strangers of any
kind like I use to. Until that day comes
though, I just have to adjust to the new normal of viewing films safely from my
house.
I honestly have gone on and on about this topic a lot this
year. For movies more than any other
because that’s been the hardest adjustment for me personally with this
pandemic. As so many movies I was
looking forward to this year got delayed indefinitely. Now more than ever before, the movies I’ve
had to view this year where straight from streaming services. I’m not going to sit here and say that I’m
not used to this medium for new movie viewing.
I’ve had plenty of time to get used to that. But as my main way of doing so? I still rather sit in a movie theater with my
bag of popcorn and one day I’ll get to do so again.
So yeah, this was a strange year for film viewing
indeed. And with not much material to
choose from against recent years, this was the toughest worst list for me to
write yet. Same will be said for the
best list. But I still viewed enough
material to comfortably write both lists.
But let’s just say when it comes to both lists, there will be more 4/5
out of 10 movies on my worst list and more 6/7 out of 10 movies on my best list
than I’ve ever had in the past. Same
goes for honorable/dishonorable mentions….speaking of which….
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS:
Sonic the Hedgehog
Honestly, was pleasantly surprised that this didn’t turn out
to be the worst thing ever. It was just
a mediocre family movie more so than an abomination that further proves there
will never be a universally accepted video game film adaptation. Good job I guess to all those involved. Treat yourselves to some Olive Garden....my
god that was one of the worst product references in a movie I’ve ever seen.
The Call of the Wild
What a boring movie this was. Only watched it for the horrid dog CGI. And yeah that lived up to the billing. I think we can all agree that dogs should not
be CGI. My god look at the eyes on that
thing. It’s almost hypnotic.
The Witches
Anyone else remember when Robert Zemeckis used to be a good filmmaker? For a guy that became so enamored with making CGI so photorealistic for the last fifteen to twenty years, he decided that his CGI technological achievement for 2020 would be Anne Hathaway's scary smile. I'm not even going to link it in this blog. Google search it at your own will. All I got to say in regards to it is
BBBWWWAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Superintelligence
Melissa McCarthy and James Corden. These two should not be in movies
together. Plain and simple. Surprised I didn’t hate this enough to make
the actual list but I guess I was more forgiving of comedies this year since I
badly needed some actual laughter. Which
this did have a couple surprisingly.
Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island
I’ve seen this on A LOT of worst lists this year. And rightfully so, it’s a confusing mess from
a studio that knows better. But
honestly, I think this is a HILARIOUS confusing mess more than being outright
bad. So yeah, on a technical writing
level, it sucks. But I found this to be
entertaining so it’s saved from making the list proper.
Trolls: World Tour
Just because I said this wasn’t as bad as I expected it to
be doesn’t mean it wasn’t going to make my worst list.
Onward
So when it comes to my film review final grades, a lot of
them still hold up months after writing them.
This film however got progressively worse the more I sat on it. Onward is the most unambitious Pixar film
I've ever sat through. All the amazing animation can't cover the fact that this is an uninspired story that barely even feels like a Pixar film.
Onward wasn’t the only film that has shrunk on me since
reviewing it.
10. Mulan (2020)
By all technical standpoints from my review of it, I still
admire that Mulan wasn’t a shot for shot remake of the original like Disney has
been pumping out as of late. I
appreciate that they tried new different ideas and attempted to be authentic
with an all Asian cast instead of trying to whitewash the story. So thank you Disney for not converting every
single aspect of the original animation into this live-action adaptation.
With that said, this movie brought great dishonor by being
an absolute bore. Just because the movie
had new ideas doesn’t mean any of those ideas worked. They did not.
The Chinese cultural elements of this movie were completely mishandled
inaccurately. The witchcraft ideology
this movie mishandled actually does have some lore from what I’ve read to
historical and cultural elements from my admittedly limited understanding. But that still doesn’t change the fact that
they only included this in the movie as a plot device because you could have
removed her character entirely and it wouldn’t have changed a damn thing
really.
And then you have the acting. It’s very bad. I admire staying culturally authentic but a
lot of these actors and actresses seem to not be putting forth any effort
really outside of Jet Li and Donnie Yen.
I mean I established in my review that the writing was garbage, so maybe
most of these actors and actresses were looking for some sort of character
depth in general? I don’t know, but
there was a reason this movie was in development hell for ten years before
finally being pursued.
This is still admittedly better than A LOT of the live
action remakes Disney has been churning out lately. I would probably put this in the middle tier
of the trend. And like I said, in a more
eventful year, this would likely not even be worth mentioning on any list. But slim pickings, next.
And speaking of slim pickings…I almost feel bad placing this
on here.
9. The New Mutants
I mean this movie has gotten picked on to death after being
delayed so many times, whitewashing controversies, and just Fox killing the
X-Men franchise with overexposure with not much growth outside of a few
exceptions. And I’ll be honest, this
movie wasn’t nearly as terrible as I feared it to be. I’ll even go the extra mile and say if it was
given to a different team to work on it; it might have been good.
Let’s just get this huge positive out of the way first. I liked the team building in this. When it came to these New Mutants sharing
their trauma stories in the psychiatric ward, it was actually investing. You actually felt bad for these kids and
their mutant discoveries and how it terrified them. It kind of reminded me of 2017 Power Rangers
in a sense. A movie where you got to
study these characters and their development was fairly progressive.
It’s too bad that they tried to make this a horror
movie. Because that’s where all my
problems just kept getting more and more frustrating. This is a really bad horror movie. The jump scares are predictable. Some of these scares are outright laughably
bad. The CGI is ugly. And honestly the climatic fight without
spoiling it is just so over the top lame and lacking any sort of
originality. It almost reminded me of a
traditional superhero climax fight without anything really being earned.
The New Mutants didn’t need to be the way it was. Because the groundwork is clearly there for a
competent character study movie. Maybe
they should have made this more of a teen drama/action movie. That would have made more sense. But nope, instead we got a superhero horror
movie. We already have Brightburn for
that and that wasn’t proof we needed superhero horror films either. But I at least admired Brightburn for going
all out with the horror concept even if it didn’t work all the time. The New Mutants should have tried going for a
different genre instead of committing to horror. It sucked at it. Next.
I was planning on giving this one the full review
treatment. I had way too much say about
my frustrations with this. But I
couldn’t structure a full review of this without repeating one word so often
that it became overkill. So I’ll just
put it all out there now. That one word
by the way was disappointing.
8. Wonder Woman 1984
And just like with my last few entries, in any other year,
this probably wouldn’t be placed on a traditional worst list of mine. Just because this movie was extremely
disappointing wouldn’t place it on any other year’s worst list. But in 2020, so many 4 out of 10 movies like
this one become more viable contenders.
I just didn’t expect this to be one of the 4 out of 10 ratings though.
What went wrong here?
How did the sequel to the film that single-handedly saved the DC
Extended Universe become as bad as some of the worst this cinematic universe
had to offer? Studio meddling had to
have some sort of effect on the quality of this. That’s my only plausible explanation because
with how much shit DC Films has gone through in the last five years, you’d
think they’d finally learn their lessons by now.
Honestly, most of my problems with this movie fall back on
the script. I don’t know how much of
this was Geoff John’s fault since I heard he had a huge involvement with
this. But it just felt like they were
trying to fit way too much into this.
Too many villains. Too many
interpersonal conflicts. Just too much
going on in what should have been an exciting sequel that we initially
expected. Honestly should have just had
Maxwell Lord and that’s it. Save Cheetah
for the next one instead of forcing her into this hamfisted. And speaking of Cheetah, what god awful
CGI. I don’t know how much of that was
due to the pandemic effecting post-production, but Cheetah’s CGI was super
hideous. Was that the reason for the
dark shading during that fight sequence?
I don’t know but I definitely did not like it.
And then there is the implications of so many actions in this
movie. When your movie revolves around
magical elements like wishing, you are asking for people to pick out your plotholes. And for the most part, how Maxwell utilized
the wishing stone was actually smart. I
have no problems with that. I do have
problems with Diana and Barbara’s utilization of the stone. I get why Diana wished for Steve and how
important he was to him. But did the guy
that Steve’s spirit ended up taking over….did he have a family? Did he have a job that wondered where he
was? Did Diana straight up rape a guy
who she thought was Steve? And I get the
plot device of the stone taking away part of you when you use it but how does
her love for Steve translate the stone taking away parts of her powers? It doesn’t connect. I at least understood why the stone took away
Barbara’s humanity, but the loophole for the stone giving her another wish was
just even more of an excuse for her evolution into Cheetah and I thought it was
bullshit.
Most importantly though I just felt like this movie just
dragged an awful lot. Like I said it had
a lot to do with trying to put WAY too much into this movie. I mean they had a ten minute segment about
the invisible jet and it served no purpose for the story. They could have had that in another movie and
it would have felt more significant.
Instead we get Wonder Woman 1984. A sequel that completely squanders a lot of
the goodwill that the DCEU got for the original. And it will probably still end up getting a
threequel once the world goes back to normal.
Me being the superhero nerd that I am will still probably end up seeing
it anyway. But this time I’m lowering my
expectations. Glad this went straight to
HBO Max so I can hide my dismay from a crowded theater. Next.
So I’ve already talked about movies that I’ve reviewed that
have gotten worse over time. Let’s talk
about ones that haven’t necessarily gotten better, but ones that I’ve lightened
up on.
7. The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run
By no means am I saying Sponge on the Run was a good
movie. I still very much did not like
this. But you know what I’ve admired
more about it in hindsight? That really
is some good CGI. And maybe that
appreciation comes with the fact that I saw that Kamp Koral sneak preview and
my god that looks like a PS2 game turned into a spin-off of one of the defining
cartoons of my lifetime. That’s going to
suck and suck hard.
Otherwise, a lot of my complaints with this movie still
stand pretty intact. This movie just
feels like what a major corporate studio hack wanted a SpongeBob movie to
be. Marketable and able to set up tons
of sequels and spin-offs and possibly even a SpongeBob Cinematic Universe for
all we know. Which by all means, do
whatever you’d like to the little yellow guy.
He’s clearly still a cash cow for Nickelodeon after twenty years. Who am I to tell them otherwise to keep
finding ways to make this property profitable into another decade?
But this movie is just lacking identity. Which the other two SpongeBob movies had in
spades. The first movie felt like a
proper ending to the series and is still canonically the actual ending the day
this series does ride off into the sunset.
The second movie I had my fair share of problems with, but at least it
had a vision and a sense of purpose. And
it might have been a live-action hybrid mixed in with some CGI, but it felt
like an actual SpongeBob movie. Plus it
gave the series villain, Plankton, a showcase for how much his character has
evolved over the years.
“Sponge on the Run” just feels like a shell of SpongeBob
itself. With the same tired jokes that
the series has ran dry (Squidward is a sourpuss, Krabs loves money, Patrick is
dumb, etc.). The same clichés that any
family movie has come to expect by now.
And to further showcase how by the numbers this movie felt, pop culture
references. I could have mistaken this
for a DreamWorks or BlueSky film with how much this felt like a by the numbers
animated flick.
2020. The year where
being number one at the box office basically means nothing anymore. Case in point.
6. The War With Grandpa
As I’ve stated before in my beginning soliloquy this year, I
didn’t go to the theaters during the pandemic.
Even when the three or so theaters near me reopened saying that they are
operating under strict protocols through the CDC and that it’s safe now. Sorry, but no. There is zero way to make a movie theater,
even with spaced out seating, safe. It’s
still a confined space for one to two hours….anyway, that’s not my point. My point being that one of my friends did
venture out to the theaters to see a couple movies during the pandemic once
theaters reopened. She said this film
was one of the few trailers placed in practically every movie she saw. So basically, this movie got to number one by
default due to zero actual competition.
Naturally, this went straight to on-demand streaming shortly
after being a multi-week number one at what’s left of the box office. And my god, it’s an artifact of much happier
times. To put this simply, it’s a 2000s
style awful family comedy. Chalk full of
all the same tired clichés that have been done to death. Except without any of the charm, likability,
or charisma that so many of those had.
It reminds me an awful lot of last year’s 2000s style family comedy
“Playing With Fire”. But at least
“Playing With Fire” had my jaw drop at how dumb and bad it was.
This just left me bored and uninspired to talk about
it. I mean my god, this movie is about a
grandfather and a child fighting over a shared bedroom of all things. It’s easy to say the kid is just being a
little shit, which he is, and call it a day.
But the extents that Robert DeNiro goes to to humiliate this kid and by
extent himself are just exhausting.
Didn’t this guy use to have standards at one point? Now Robert DeNiro is just a caricature of
himself. Constantly humiliating himself
to no bounds. He’s just collecting a
paycheck at this stage in his career and it’s just sad to see him to resort to
such tomfoolery.
Now we are getting to the stuff that would be sure fire
locks for worst lists in a normal year.
Starting with hilariously misguided failed Oscar bait.
5. Hillbilly Elegy
This is my least favorite type of Oscar bait material. The shamelessly pandering type of films. This time its poverty porn – kudos to The
A.V. Club for coining that because they seriously knocked it out of the fucking
part by calling it that.
Most of my problems with this movie are regarding Ron
Howard’s directorial vision. Exactly
what was he trying to go for with this?
Is he trying to reinforce the stereotyping of rednecks because they are
more or less Trump supporters? And no
I’m not mending words by saying that.
That was more or less what the source material is about. The real life story is about a guy describing
his upbringing and gives us a glimpse into the lifestyle of the white working
class mountain folk.
Howard’s vision is to more or less glorify this sub-group of
people so we can try to better understand why they are the way they are. And honestly, it is just a messy
execution. Instead of trying to make us
sympathize with any of these characters addictions or their rhetoric, it just
glorifies it and makes the message all the more befuddling to its film viewers.
The acting is fine for what it is. Amy Adams and Glenn Close are both great
actresses and I guess they are trying to make something out of nothing. But both have done far better in their careers.
Like I said, Ron Howard’s direction is what mostly makes
this movie not work. I get that Ron
Howard is one of the more acclaimed directors of our time, but to me, he has
missed far more than he has hit the landing with his movies. He is one of the most overrated directors
working today and I really wish more people would stand back and actually take
a look at his credits.
I get that this year’s Academy Awards field will be smaller
than normal, but if “Hillbilly Elegy” is considered to be one of the
frontrunners for nominations this year, then no thanks. Nominate “Sonic the Hedgehog” instead. Next.
Hey you know that cinematic universe trend. Maybe everyone except Marvel should
reconsider it. Especially Warner
Brothers, who keeps finding ways to fuck it up.
4. SCOOB!
Or better yet, maybe Warner Brothers should stop trying to
make theatrical film adaptations of Scooby-Doo.
While I still think the live-action films are worse, this CGI adaptation
is still pretty freaking awful by its own merits.
Honestly, going to keep this one short. Not just due to me already reviewing this
turd, but because it is just going to sound like a repeat of the same
criticisms I have with “Sponge on the Run”.
This feels like Warner Brothers reinventing this over fifty year old
property for a newer generation. But
I’ll give “Sponge on the Run” this credit, at least they had a target
demographic in mind.
Exactly who in the hell is Scoob! for? Not even the children are going to be able to
follow this absolutely preposterous plotted movie. If this movie was playing in theaters, I bet
a ton of kids would be asking their parents who The Blue Falcon, Dick Dastardly
and Muttly, or Captain Caveman are. Or
why a 90s based childhood for Shaggy would include smartphones or Ruth Bader
Ginsberg costumes.
But if I was a kid, I think the most logical question I
would ask my parents is “I thought this was a Scooby-Doo movie?” Because this certainly was not an actual
Scooby-Doo movie. This was ashamed to
even be that. Sure there are a few
nostalgic moments that referenced the Scooby-Doo property, but outside of that,
this was just a by the numbers kid flick.
When your movie spends more time on Simon Cowell than references to your
over 50 years of memories, you know you’re ashamed of your past.
Well I’m not. I’m
still a Scooby-Doo fan to this day. And
shortly after my wife and I watched this, I put in an old Scooby-Doo episode
and I enjoyed those twenty-two minutes of nostalgia far more than I did ten
minutes of whatever the hell this was trying to be.
Best of luck to the Hanna-Barbera verse. Based of your first movie, you’re going to
need it.
…yeah this came out this year in case y’all forgot too.
3. Dolittle
This movie’s existence just fascinates me more than anything
else. It just feels like a movie that is
out of its time period. More or less,
the kind of shit that Robert Downey Jr. was making before Marvel turned him
into one of the biggest stars alive. I’m
not kidding guys. If you had Robert
Downey Jr. in your movies before 2008, for the longest time there was an eight
out of ten times chance that your movie was destined to suck ass.
But unlike some of the shit Downey Jr. used to star in, this
one honestly fascinated me at how batshit insane it turned out. Like RDJ goes through at least five different
performances mixed into one character.
He hides his face so many times that I wonder if even he is aware that
this movie is an embarrassment to his career.
And then there are the wasted talents that are voicing these
animals. In normal talking animal
movies, they usually give these characters multiple lines or enough dialogue
that you think, oh yeah that is Rob Schneider voicing a polar bear. Here?
Apparently John Cena, Emma Thompson, and Marion Cotillard are some of the
voices of the animals. I sure as hell
couldn’t tell they were in this. Hell,
Tom Holland voiced one of them. You
couldn’t have included a “Dr. Doolittle.
I don’t feel so good” reference?!
HE WAS RIGHT THERE!
There are just so many bafflingly bad decisions that I
couldn’t place this any lower. When one
of the most iconic scenes in this film included Dolittle doing a colonoscopy on
a dragon with the dragon farting on him….AND THAT IS NOT EVEN THE MOST SHOCKING
DECISION MADE IN THIS MOVIE; you know you’ve got a hilariously terrible film on
your hands.
Ever since I mentioned this being one of the worst
non-Disney films of all-time, I’ve sat on it.
Is it really that bad? No. It’s the worst.
2. Artemis Fowl
I feel pretty bad for any fans that are still standing after
this botched adaptation. Because I’ve
seen some pretty bad botched adaptations of books. And this is incredibly high up there on that
all-time list. Definitely the worst
Disney has ever done from that standpoint for sure though.
When I reviewed this, I compared “Artemis Fowl” to a lot of
properties. But honestly after six
months, I found the perfect comparison point.
This is “Home Alone” with Harry Potter universe characters. To anyone that actually sat through this,
tell me I’m wrong. A bunch of mythical
creatures trying to break into this one house.
It’s all there.
This should have stayed in developmental hell. I’ve seen more effort put into Disney Channel
Original movies than I have for this $125 million dollar adaptation….geez why
would you spend that much to make your shitty movie all the worse.
Yes that is a link to the “Stuck With U” video
again. Why am I sharing it you may
wonder? Context.
There are many, MANY things I hate about that song, but one
thing I hate about it that I didn’t elaborate on the most is that song is
perfectly contempt about the times this song is bringing up. I wouldn’t wish this pandemic onto even the
worst of my enemies. It’s been a
miserable cultural zeitgeist for the past year, even with the few personal
positives in my life. It is hard to
ignore the times we are living through as the general public is exhausted by
the pandemic. Many are trying to do
their best in hopes that the light at the end of the tunnel helps bring us back
to a sense of normalcy. Others are just
thinking that the media is overblowing something that has killed millions and
ignoring basic health and sciences.
So yeah, the last thing I want to see is any sort of media
that reminds us we are living in the shittiest of shitty timelines...
1. Songbird
…you know what? Let
me take this moment to talk directly to Hollywood for just a minute. I know the temptation is there to make MANY
movies about the pandemic as soon as possible.
I fully expect to be reminded that this moment in time is one of the
worst years of all-time. So many bad
moments in history, too many movies to even begin placing in pre-production
based on these events. Not just with the
pandemic. Whether it be all the
political turmoil or the social justice reform.
2020 will be one of the most theatrically adapted years of
all-time. So with that said, can we halt
the brakes for just one moment?
Seeing movies like this get fast tracked is just…evil. Who actually wants to see reminders of how
horrible the virus is? And that it is
still evolving to different mutations in real time? What sort of twisted shit is this? And with the amount of recognizable
celebrities that signed off to star in this?
Why?
I’m not even going to fully talk about the movie
itself. It doesn’t even justify its own
existence. It is one thing to use a
current tragedy as the jumping point of your movie. As much as I hate the idea of it, it has been
done before with previous tragedies. But
it is another thing entirely to create something provocative or
interesting. At least make your film
worth seeing and have it say something.
Say something about government mandated lockdowns. Say something about the government not
properly handling a pandemic. Say
something about the general public being divided. Don’t just sit there and just use a worldwide
tragedy as the reason for making a half-assed thriller turned into a bad love
story.
I don’t need constant reminders that this timeline
sucks. And for the record, I just saw
HBO Max’s made in the middle of the pandemic movie, “Locked Down”. I didn’t like that one either, but at least
it tried to be an actual movie that was more than just scare tactics about the
pandemic.
“Songbird”. A movie so inherently evil and tasteless that
it had to be made by Michael Bay…
….oh, it actually was made by Michael Bay. Now it makes more sense. 2020.
A year so bad that one of the worst tragedies of our lifetime had to be
made into an awful Michael Bay movie.
Please socially distance yourself from this shitty film by more than
just six feet.
