So for this Billboard year-end retrospective ranking, I was suggested 1994 by one of my personal friends. And to that I say, sure why not. 1994! The year said friend of mine Marcus was born! Congrats to Marcus! Your birth year had some pretty solid music!
Honestly I can't highlight a more perfect year that describes the trends that the 1990's represented for music. Rap music was at one of its peak years in popularity during this decade as well as being a strong year for the alternative rock scene with grunge at its peak as well. And while I think this year end definitely had some memorable tracks, pop was still flooded with a lot of boring adult contemporary music. So much so that it stuck around the charts like glue and that's what peaked high on this year end list. Which is a damn shame because this was not as strong of a representation as to what most of the society was listening to at the time.
And while I'm very excited to get to writing the best list, I know what gets more views for my blog. So strap yourselves in as we go through the not so amazing songs of one of the peak 90s music years. This is...
THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1994
So to start off this worst list, let me introduce you guys
to a band that another one of my friends Wumbo introduced me to a few years ago:
These are the Crash Test Dummies. They are a Canadian alt-rock band who are
actually fairly interesting from other bands that crossed over to the US. Mostly due to lead singer Brad Roberts and
his distinct baritone voice. With how
much I love 90s alternative rock, there aren’t ANY acts that sound like Crash
Test Dummies. I highly recommend you
check these guys out. They are a fairly
under the radar act from this time period.
Yet, they only had one big hit from this time period. And it’s ironically their worst.
10. “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” – Crash Test Dummies
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTeg1txDv8w
Isn’t that how it always ends up with one-hit wonders
stateside? Their big crossover single
ends up being their worst in their discography.
This isn’t any different. It’s
this inept self-servicing song where Brad Roberts tells these incomprehensibly
dumb stories that don’t tie into anything.
And he has stated that on the record that he basically wrote this song
in fifteen minutes. I can tell. Because none of these stories make any
sense.
They trick you into thinking they are poignant and having
some sort of emotional impact. And
then…nothing happens. No
resolution. No climax. Nothing.
But I would be more than willing to forgive this hack job if the chorus
ties it all together. It doesn’t. It’s just Brad Roberts humming like a broken
car muffler. That chorus is the main
reason this song is on the list. It’s
literally adding insult to injury making your half-assed song into total ass.
So yeah, I highly recommend checking these guys out. But their biggest hit can go dive head first
into oncoming traffic. Next.
Okay who the actual fuck is this guy?
9. “If You Go” – Jon Secada
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4ejBHJtrt8
This is not the first time I’ve seen him appear on a 90’s year
end list and this certainly won’t be the last.
And every time he shows up on here, I think to myself; “Well this guy
sure will be forgotten by the time I’m done.”
And yet, here he is on another 90’s list with another boring pop ballad.
But it is one thing to just be another forgettable ballad in
a time period where these were the norms.
And this cracked the top five…sure I believe it. This was not an interesting time to be a pop
music fan so of course some adult contemporary shlock is going to get big. No.
The main reason this made the list is those damn synths. Every time I hear those synths, I think of
this:
Turtle Power be damned. This was also a time period where lots of charity singles
about saving rainforests and listening to PSA’s about how we are endangering
the jungles and wildlife. And yes, that
is indeed sad, but not as sad as this unnamed love interest threatening to
leave this poor guy. For one dollar a
day, you too can save this guy from getting his heartbroken. Please help conserve Jon Secada today so
future generations can enjoy what we are threatening to endanger. Call now.
It hurts me at times to put artists I like on the worst list. And I do generally prefer this singer over
many of her contemporaries in this time period.
But even when the pop genre was at its most dull and uninteresting, I
don’t have time for kitschy garbage like this:
8. “All I Wanna Do” – Sheryl Crow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgmBaE1cqD4
Once again, I’d like to thank retail companies for
overplaying the ever-living hell out of this.
With that said, I actually do understand why some might come to this
song’s defense. All the wine moms out
there need something ridiculous corny to party to. But then you hear that intentionally offkey
instrumentation and it makes you sober within an instant. My god this is an obnoxious pill of a song.
This song continuously annoys me from the get-go, “This
ain’t no disco and this ain’t no country club, this is L.A.”. What the fuck does this Talking Heads
interpolation have to do with anything this song is trying to convey? It’s utterly pointless. And that’s what this song’s problem is. Nothing in it makes any damn sense. Everything is just mundane occurrences while
Sheryl Crow is daydrinking. Like
watching Willy peel labels off of bottles and lighting matches. Just overwritten unnecessary details that
don’t sound exciting. That’s why people
make drinking songs in the evening.
Because daydrinking isn’t nearly as fun.
But like I said, uneventful lyrics aside, this song mostly
made it on here due to the obnoxious instrumentation. It just sends me to that uncanny valley every
time I hear it and I can’t stand it anymore.
All I wanna do is move onto the next song.
…I swear there won't be any more controversial takes after this one.
7. “Always” – Bon Jovi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BMwcO6_hyA
Although, is it really now?
I know a lot of Bon Jovi fans that don’t like this one, so let’s see how
many others agree with me thinking that this is their worst. And yes that even includes their adult
contemporary years from the 2000’s when they were at their commercialized
sellout phase.
And dare I say it, the self-awareness to how awful this is
only makes it worse:
Now I can’t sing a love song
Like the way it’s meant to be
Well I guess I’m not that good anymore
But baby that’s just me
Oh so he is aware that this song absolutely sucks. This is supposed to be a ballad about how
much you’ll always love her and how you’ll get her back. That’s what the basic thesis of your song is. Not repeatedly telling her how much you suck.
I’ll be there till the stars don’t shine
Till the heavens burst and the words don’t rhyme
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING MAN?
Oh and Jon Bon sounds absolutely awful on this. Whether it’s his songwriting or his
overbelting, he just sounds absolutely terrible. They better thank their lucky stars that that
prayer they’ve been living on for nearly thirty years has proved their quality
to be much greater than this.
After multiple hot takes in a row, let’s get back to a sure
fire way to make my worst list. A
butchered cover of a timeless classic.
6. “Baby I Love Your Way” – Big Mountain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dB4TThG9zw
At some point I’m going to get tired of pointing out the
obvious when it comes to butchered covers, but honestly, just listen to the
original:
It’s smooth. It’s
touching. It’s performed in all the
right ways a white guy with an acoustic guitar should sound. Easily one of my favorite songs from this
subgenre.
And then listen to this insulting cover. This is the sort of shit you’d fall asleep to
by the pool after stuffing your face. I’m
surprised to hear these guys didn’t end up becoming a cruise lounge act after
their one and only hit. I mean that’s
what should have happened to the act they are so badly trying to be UB-40.
We don’t need another UB-40.
Hell we didn’t even need the original.
We certainly don’t need acts that were clearly influenced by their
atrocious style. Next.
5. “Never Lie” - Immature
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LV8PZ8kcCr8
Why are a bunch of elementary schoolers singing to me about
infidelity? You’ve got to be joking with
me 1994.
Do I have any actual analysis for this? Not really.
They are tone deaf kids who clearly need a few more singing listens with
their music teacher. I mean I get why
this got popular. Boyz II Men were one
of the biggest acts of this time period.
Studio hacks were clearly trying to find a younger version that they can
mold in their own image.
But their band name says it all. These kids are too immature to be singing
about this subject matter. Most of this
list just pisses me off whether it is too boring or too disappointing. I kind of feel bad hating on this…
*since YouTube cropper is down, listen to the two minute mark onward*
….never mind, I do not.
Man pitch correction can’t come soon enough.
1994. And the biggest
act on the planet are neo-Nazis.
https://www.vice.com/en/article/rm35nr/ace-of-bases-secret-nazi-past
Okay so that last bit didn’t end up becoming common knowledge until a few years ago, but the stranglehold Ace of Base had on the top of the charts shouldn’t go unnoticed. Not even Drake has been able to notch three songs in the top ten of a year-end list. Ace of Base is one of the select acts that can stake such a claim.
It’s too bad that not a single one of those songs are
remotely memorable. Honestly, I had a
hard time finding anything that makes one of these songs more distinct than the
other. They all sound the same. Almost to the point that I came super close
to saying the entirety of the fourth spot would go to every song Ace of Base
released this year. But in the end, I
just went with the one that is the least distinct of them all.
4. “Don’t Turn Around” – Ace of Base
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_gs4gCyGKs
So what makes “Don’t Turn Around” the worse of the
three? At least with “The Sign” I can
see why so many people like it. For me,
the Pitch Perfect opening sequence with this song is the best part of the movie
that I can associate with it. Even with
the limp vocals. At least “All That She
Wants” gets a little more experimental with the production to salvage the rest
of the song.
“Don’t Turn Around” is just the worst combination of the
other two songs bringing out the absolute worst song of theirs. These vocals are so bland. Gasp who would have thought that when your
lover leaves you, you get emotional?
What a novel concept, SELL IT.
This production is just the most annoying thing I’ve heard from this
decade. I don’t know who mixed this, but
this is absolute utter garbage. The
bubblegum production of the next couple years couldn’t come soon enough.
Do yourselves a favor and listen to the Tina Turner
original. Not this half-baked trash.
What happens when you get three soft rockers that are way
past their prime together for a movie soundtrack hit? You get one of the most insufferable
listening experiences of the year.
3. “All For Love” – Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, & Sting
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofA3URC1wyk
Look I know it is super easy to hate on any of these guys at
this point in time. All three of these
artists were at the point of their careers where their names would power even
the most insufferable shlock straight to number one on the charts. All three were also at the stage of their
careers where they weren’t even going to bother putting forth any sort of
effort because their egos were so massive that they wouldn’t even try to make
something cohesive sounding and pleasant on the listeners ear drums. Case in point.
My god, this is unpleasant to listen to. For a soundtrack single for a song about The
Three Musketeers; whose catchphrase is all for one and one for all, might I
add; not a single moment where their pitches match or they sing in unison. Like is it really that hard to make a
cohesive sounding song? Did these guys
even perform this song together in the studio before coming together for the
music video? I mean there isn’t a best
nor worst performer on this. They all
sound terrible. And this topped the
charts? I’m serious with my assumption
that collective starpower powered this to the top. Because I can’t even begin to imagine who
would actually seek this out if it wasn’t for name recognition. Next.
Honestly, picking out the worst song of this year was the
most challenging decision I’ve made doing these worst lists in quite some time. At least the last couple rounds, my number
one pick was fairly easy. Not this
time. Usually I like it when there is a
little more of a challenge to picking out my worst song. Once again, not this time. Neither of these two songs are even remotely
entertaining to talk about.
So to break this tie, I’m just going to go with the artist I
like more as number two because he’s at least proven he’s far better than this.
2. “Indian Outlaw” – Tim McGraw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqlR4IEl_04
But that doesn’t make this all the more disappointing none
the less. Tim McGraw is one of the best
country artists of the past thirty years.
I don’t think that claim couldn’t be argued against. He’s done so much good for the genre that I’m
willing to forgive certain missteps like collaborating with Nelly in 2005 with
“Over and Over” or making one of the worst bro-country songs in “Truck
Yeah”…look that trash up if you think you’ve heard all bro-country has to
offer.
Even with those missteps in his legendary career, this is
hands down the worst thing Tim McGraw has ever done. All the blame doesn’t fall on him
though. Tim McGraw doesn’t have any
songwriting credits for this. He should
have spoken up about performing this, but I’m almost certain he would have
gotten blackballed in the industry since he was an upstart at the time. I put a majority of the blame on everyone
else who wrote this song, produced the instrumentation, and the studio hacks
involved who didn’t step in and think to themselves: “Hey you know what would
be a great country song? Having a white
guy portray a Native American and play up the stereotypes of a bunch of
heritages. Our core audience would love
this!”
…yeah here’s the thing.
For as conservative of a genre that is country music, there were many
radio stations that didn’t even play this song.
And I don’t blame them. This song
just leaves a terrible taste in my mouth as much as it does everyone else with
half a brain to realize that this is tasteless trash. This was a terrible idea at the time and it’s
still terrible now.
As I already stated, my worst song of this year is not even
entertaining levels of bad. This is just
more infuriatingly dull and lifeless more than anything else. Which begs this question. Why did we let this guy have a career as long
as he did?
1. “Now and Forever” – Richard Marx
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeDiK2uy3DU
Look I’ll be blunt and say it. For as long of a career as he had, I couldn’t
name you a single Richard Marx song that I like. It’s not that I don’t think he’s untalented. I think the guy is technically sound. I just can’t emotionally connect to any of
his songs. And in a year where we had
subgenres like gangster rap and grunge rock were on the upswing; that left the
chart flooded with adult contemporary rap trying to fill the void for the lack
of pop music in the mainstream. Which
means lots of Bryan Adams, Michael Bolton, Sting, Rod Stewart, and Richard Marx
here left to fill up the void with dull soft rock.
But here is the thing about all those other guys. For as bad and boring as they were, I could
at least resonate with some of them.
Sting and Rod Stewart use to be good and you can catch glimpses of that
sometimes. Bryan Adams music at least
has personality. Michael Bolton, I can
at least find some entertainment at times with his music, intentionally or
unintentionally. I couldn’t tell you a
single redeemable characteristic that kept Richard Marx relevant as long as he
was.
So why is this song number one on my worst list? It can’t all be due to the lack of anything
redeemable or interesting about the performer.
Well, here’s the thing about “Now and Forever”. It is by far the most memorable Richard Marx
song I’ve come across. For all the wrong
reasons. This is the simplest,
straightforward, unchallenging, basic song I’ve ever heard. Anybody could have performed this. Its instrumentation is so bare bones. These lyrics are first grade. I’m absolutely insulted that this charted in
the Top 25 of this year end list. It’s
composition is so elementary level that I can’t believe this was performed by a
guy who was older than me when he released this.
This is high up there in terms of worst white guy with
acoustic guitar songs I’ve ever heard.
When you’re in prime company with “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz, “Little
Things” by One Direction, and “Say” by John Mayer; you know your song is in my
bad graces. And this was his last top
ten hit too. For good reason. It sucks.
Hope it was worth whatever money you got from the studios to promote
that forgettable movie it was tied to.
------
And that was my long awaited worst hit songs of 1994. Agree? Disagree? Let me know in the comments below. The best list won't take nearly as long as this did to be shared. And as always, thanks for reading you all! Until next time, take care and stay safe!
