Friday, July 31, 2020

The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 1983

Welcome back ladies and gents.  Sorry for the delay, but it's all because of one reason.  Did I make a mistake covering this year so soon?


Like I just chose this year on a whim after listening to a group of friends on our Discord.  One of them told me that I have only tackled the 1980s once in my history of retrospective series, so it led me to the thought process of how I wanted to tackle one of the best years ever.  And lord this truly is the best year I’ve covered so far doing these lists in terms of general quality.  I will be hard pressed to come across this year consistently excellent in quite some time.  1983 is a year full of greatness and I’m just a mere mortal who shares his opinions to a much smaller audience.

So how do I treat a year that is this truly special?  I know on my worst list that I said I could make a Top 50 list and have to make some truly painful cuts because this is one of the few years where the quality is at worst in the decent tier for more than half this year end list.  But just so you guys don’t have to read an overlong block of text, I’m going to share a brief list of twenty honorable mentions.  And I mean brief, like four to five sentenced thoughts tops; some less.  Before moving on to the top ten list.  It’s the least I can do for a year that is this excellent.

 

20 Honorable Mentions

 

“Tell Her About It” – Billy Joel

Man.  This is the best Tony Orlando and Dawn song I’ve ever heard.  Somebody should have told this Billy Joel fella to do more of this throughout his career.  Hey when it comes to Motown throwbacks from this year, this was the only great one.

 

“Allentown” – Billy Joel

And we go from that to honestly the second best song of Billy Joel’s career.  I have always loved Allentown.  And as someone who at one point lived minutes away from said town, I have always admired how much love for the working class in this town Billy Joel dedicates to in this song.  It’s an inspiring message from a singer who I’ve always admired.  And yet it was one of the last cuts I had to make towards this all-time great best list.

 

“Rock the Casbah” – The Clash

I’m going to remove the political symbolism this song eventually inspired, and I do mean all of it because god this song inspired so much conservative philosophy over the last forty years.  I’ve always had a soft spot for that chorus.  It’s just so catchy.  It’s not “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”, but it’s a great song from The Clash.

 

“Photograph” – Def Leppard

Finally.  I’ve come across a song with this title that doesn’t suck.  Also by association this is one of the best songs in Def Leppard’s entire discography.  Which is saying something since I’ve never been the biggest Def Leppard fan, sorry.

 

“Faithfully” – Journey

I love Journey and this is one of their best ballads.  I absolutely love how simplistic its message is and the way Steve Perry sells it.  One of the first cheesy hair ballads of the 80s and absolutely one of the best.

 

“The Safety Dance” – Men Without Hats

Dangerously close to the best list than most of you might realize.  Hell it would make the list proper if the song was just the Short Version.

 

“Maniac” – Michael Sembello

For a movie that has not aged all that well in “Flashdance”, it sure spawned two of the biggest hits of the entire year.  And we’ll get to that other one eventually, but Maniac’s vibe just absolutely knocks it out of the park.  Immediately got the vibe the movie gives off more than the other did.

 

“She Works Hard For the Money” – Donna Summer

Donna Summer is a national treasure no matter what decade she is in.

 

“Hungry Like The Wolf” – Duran Duran

What an earworm of a song.  The moment you hear it, those “do do’s” never leave your head the rest of the day.  Hell, I am hearing them now typing this out………..you don’t hear them too?

 

“Sweet Dreams (Are Made For This)” – Eurythmics

What an iconic synth line.  Who am I to disagree with this not being one of the best songs of the 1980s?  Seriously, this song has appeared on so many best of the decade entertainment recaps that I’ve lost count.  It didn’t make the list proper since the verses aren’t nearly as memorable as the chorus for me.  Still not denying its greatness though.

 

“Little Red Corvette” – Prince

You can pinpoint rap music’s fascination with comparing girls to cars to this one song.  And they always miss the point of why it works when Prince did it.  Prince constantly excelled when he was at his most desperate.

 

“Maneater” – Hall & Oates

Definitely one of the most iconic choruses of just not the year, but the entire decade.  Definitely better than the rest of their output from this year on that alone.

 

“Electric Avenue” – Eddy Grant

For a song about the 1981 Brixton Riot, it’s just so insanely fun and catchy.  Like that was some serious news back in the day about social injustice and civil unrest in the African-Caribbean community in the United Kingdom.  Would have fooled me with how instant of an earworm that chorus is.  Never has a song about trying to legalize marijuana (or at least I assume that’s what take me higher means) got stuck in your brain so easily.

 

“Twilight Zone” – Golden Earring

This was one of the few songs on this list where I had no prior knowledge going in and good lord is this great.  I absolutely love that guitar riff, it’s been stuck in my head for the past week.  Its songs like these that make me happy that I do these sorts of retrospectives.  Because I find hidden gems like these.

 

“Sexual Healing” – Marvin Gaye

The last of Marvin Gaye’s hits is honestly one of my favorites of his.  Just goes to show that an all-time great can put out consistently great quality no matter how long his career spans.

 

“Affair of the Heart” – Rick Springfield

I love “Jessie’s Girl” as much as the next guy, but Rick Springfield’s list of good singles go beyond just that one fantastic song.  For example.

 

“Beat It” – Michael Jackson

Don’t get me wrong, I like this song an awful lot.  It’s one of the honorable mentions for a reason y’all.  But when it comes to Michael Jackson’s huge hits, I’ve always found this one a tad overrated.  Probably due to me preferring the Weird Al parody so much more.

 

“Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” – Michael Jackson

Then we go from a tad overrated to a tad underrated.  I’ve always found this MJ song to have so much less of a following in comparison to the rest of his major hits from around this time.  That “mama mama say mama mama say makoosa”.  It gets lodged into your brain so easily.

 

“Back on the Chain Gang” – Pretenders

Another addition to the subcategory of an artist’s biggest hit being an absolute knock against their record label.  Lead singer Chrissie Hynde has stated for the record that this is about her strained relationship with Ray Davies of The Kinks due to her record label’s unrelenting demands to keep producing records.  Yeah these recording studios are real assholes.  But we got a damn great song out of it.

 

“Down Under” – Men at Work

The last cut I had to make from my best list.  Honestly this song has been a favorite of mine since I was a kid.  It has always made me want to visit Australia.  Still holding on that dream and this song is always an inspiration goal every time I hear it.  Such an influential pop-rock song in my eyes.

 

There.  Twenty songs.  And I still had to make plenty of painful cuts that I wanted to mention as well because good lord this year was magnificent.  So let's see what blinded me (with science) from this year.  I'm talking about:

 

THE TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 1983


------ 

So let me ask this question to my readers.  What was the first song introduced to you from the MTV era of 80s pop music that represented how iconic this decade was?

I expect a variety of answers amongst my friends.  Probably a lot of Michael Jackson songs, Prince, Madonna, or any of the other big names from this time period.  I mean that’s why so many people love the 1980s.  The songs are iconic.  The artists come off as larger than life superstars.  The 1980s is one of the go to eras to me when it comes to longing for pop being supremely important.

But to answer my own question, my choice is not from one of those larger than life megastars of this era.  Nope.  My choice was a song that I was first introduced by an Atari video game collection for the Playstation.  And it came from a short lived new wave act.  And it still is cherished by me today.


10. “Always Something There to Remind Me” – Naked Eyes


Who are these guys?  I would say one hit wonders, but they technically do have a second hit that made the year end list this year.  And while that one is good too, Naked Eyes might as well just be one hit wonders.  I kid you not, seven of their eight most streamed songs on Apple Music are all this same song from different albums.  And their biggest hit?  It’s not even the first time this song was covered.



Yeah I’ve talked smack about cover songs so many times on this blog already, but this is one of the rare occasions where the cover is actually better than the original.  Or should I say the fifth cover.  Yeah this one is better than Lou Johnson’s original, Sandie Shaw’s, R.B. Greaves, and prior to this one, most famously by Dionne Warwick.  And I’ll be honest, this one is the best because it isn’t an absolute slog of a song like the rest of these versions.  I mean who would have thought?  Making a song about remembering about a significant other having an actual pulse?  And making that beat swing and sound like fun?  Gee, who would have thought of such a novel concept.

But yeah, this was my introduction to new wave synthpop at the young age of 8 years old and immediately became one of my favorite songs by doing so.  So yeah, there is always something there to remind me of such an amazing song.  Wasting countless hours trying to figure out how to play Pitfall!

 

Such an insanely simple yet effective game.  Next.

 

---------


 

I bet a lot of you were surprised to see “Little Red Corvette” not making the top ten.  Like I sort of hinted at with my explanation, it is just not my cup of tea seeing objects of desire being compared to cars.  Still love the song for other reasons, but that’s the main reason why.  But fear not ladies and gents, Prince is still amazing enough to get a song up on the actual best list.


9. “1999” – Prince


Fun fact.  This was my introduction to Prince.  Easily the most accessible song he’s ever done in his career and by all accounts the least Prince sounding Prince song.  When I think of Prince’s music, this is what I think of:

 

Or this:

 

Not necessarily 1999.  But that’s not necessarily a knock on this song.  Because it’s still an awesome song that introduced me to this all-time favorite artists of mine’s discography.

Ladies and gents, I don’t know how many of you know this fun fact.  During the year 1983 and many years before and after this one, the United States was in the middle of the Cold War.  And while us millennials have to deal with the present thoughts of the world ending, our parents also had to deal with that thought in the form of nuclear warfare with Mother Russia.

And you know what?  I honestly never connected the dots while listening to this song up until recently.  Talks about war, explosions, bombs, uncertainty of when destruction will happen.  So how does Prince handle with the thoughts of the world running out of time?  By just partying the night away.  I honestly respect that notion.  Like Prince stated himself, we could die any day.  So why not dance the night away and party?

I’ve always had a soft spot for songs like this.  Partying to escape the worry and fear of everything going on around us while not being oblivious that world sucks.  And nobody is better at making the best of that than Prince himself.  The man just always oozed charisma and you know what?  It makes me want to go out and party like its 1999…although that means party like I’m 9.  Sleepovers?  Go-kart racing?  Watching the Kids Choice Awards with friends?  I’m taking this too literally.  Let’s move on.

 ---------

 

If I made this list over a year ago, I don’t think this song would have been this high up on here.


8. “I’m Still Standing” – Elton John


Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always liked this song.  It would have probably been in the honorable mentions guaranteed.  The amount of good songs in Elton John’s discography to me is endless.  All of you should know that by now after reading about my lifelong fandom description in my 1974 best list.  So what changed in the past year that made this song rocket up to my personal top ten for this list?  The Elton John biopic, Rocketman.

I hate to be blunt, but yeah it changed my views on this song entirely.  My original analysis of this song was this was a song about Elton John’s longevity in the music scene as some of the older names of the time phased out besides him and how he is ambitious to still be at the top of the industry with all the big names in the 1980s.  I mean Elton John has even stated that himself, that’s how I know it was my view.

But that biopic absolutely added layers of subtext towards this song.  I knew about Elton John’s addiction problems obviously, but this song being positioned in the movie as helping him on his road to recovery wasn’t just coincidental.  It opened my eyes to this layer of subtext about this song and how it can be utilized as such.  Glad to see Elton John still standing.

 

-------

 

At one point in time I called this one of the best Billboard number one year end hits of all time.  And while my opinion on that has changed since then, I still love it.


7. “Every Breath You Take” – The Police


And look there is no denying the obvious.  The creepiness of these lyrics have only been highlighted far more in the nearly forty years since this came out.  There is a reason why this song is often associated with creeping and stalking in media.  But even with that being stated, that is a fair share of The Police’s discography.  Making creepy subject matter into digestible pop music.

I’ll go out on a limb and say it.  This song has never been creepy to me.  Like I said, I get why others do.  But I take it to a more flattering approach.  It goes to show how committed this guy is towards his love interest that he will always have his eyes on her.  That’s more of a compliment towards Sting and company than other acts who have done this same subject.  The Police is one of the few groups out there that can make this work.

And to think, this was the biggest song of one of the best years.  That just goes to show how amazing this year truly is. 

---------

So when it comes to “classic rock” bands that I first found myself attached to, there were two bands that I grew immediate attachments to.  I already mentioned Queen being one of them in my 1974 list.  And here is the other.


6. “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)” – Journey


And I know I’m not alone in stating this undying love for this band.  Journey is one of the first “classic rock” groups that I knew a lot of my friends first discovered as well. But it truly is amazing that one of my all-time favorite acts is so flavorless.  No layers of intrigue or a long winded history as an act.  They are just a simple band that performs stadium level rock songs and ballads.  Their songs are so simple, yet so effective when it comes to spreading its message across.

And Separate Ways is absolutely one of their best songs.    Another instance of Steve Perry selling so much with the simplest of materials.  It’s another song about how someday we will all find love.  This time through leaving your ex and how even she will find love too.  But the way Steve Perry sells this is absolutely ridiculous.  Instead of being slower and somber, this is sold in over the top silliness.

Okay part of my opinion on this is because of the music video.  Which I don’t care what anyone else thinks, this is the best music video of 1983.  It’s so over the top gloriously cheesy.  But even ignoring that, this song is fucking awesome.  I love Steve Perry’s voice.  I love that guitar solo.  I love that synthesizer, especially combined with Perry’s belting.  There is just so much I love about this amazing 80s cheese of a song.

------- 

 

Let’s mention some of the music juggernauts this year had to offer.  PRINCE!  MICHAEL JACKSON!  STING!  ELTON JOHN!  HALL & OATES!  JOURNEY!  THESE ONE HIT WONDERS AND THEIR FIDDLE!


5. “Come on Eileen” – Dexys Midnight Runners


In such an iconic year full of heavyweights entrenched into pop music history, it’s weird that one of the largest hits from this year was from these guys playing a simple love song with a fiddle.  That’s not what most probably expected when it comes to looking at the charts from this year, but here they are.  With one of the biggest hits of this year.  And it’s charming as hell.

If I can make a millennial comparison point here, “Come on Eileen” is what Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know” was to the 2010’s.  A song that absolutely nobody expected to get wildly popular amongst some of the biggest names in popular music, but ended up being one of the biggest songs of the year because it’s just so insanely charming.  It defies all trends and logical sense and ever since 1983, we have never had another “Come on Eileen”. 

I’m not surprised that Dexys Midnight Runners ended up becoming one hit wonders.  Their sound wasn’t meant to stick around in this time period, but I absolutely cherish the hell out of this one gloriously adorable love song.  They were too too-rah-loo-rah-too-rah-loo-rye-ay for the Hot 100.

------ 

 

Remember back on the worst list where I talked about Jim Steinman working with Air Supply and it turned out to be an incredibly poor man’s Meatloaf song?  Well that wasn’t the only other artist Jim Steinman worked with this year for a theatrical pop song.  Sing it with me folks….TURN AROUND…


4. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – Bonnie Tyler


Now this is absolutely 100% a Meat Loaf song.  Except…and I don’t know how much flack I will get for saying this…this is the best song Jim Steinman has ever been a part of.  And that includes Meat Loaf’s work.  This is just a theatrical masterpiece of pop perfection.

Simply put, this is one of the finest ballads I’ve ever heard.  And a lot of that has to do with the subtle production of a slow build to eventually building up the grandiose power of the rest of the song.  But most importantly, it comes down to the performance itself and god bless does Bonnie Tyler knock it out of the park.  Her voice is wonderfully gritty and the grit comes out at the exact right moments.  This is exactly what lovelorn desperation should sound like.

This song emotionally exhausts me every time I hear it and yet it constantly keeps me coming back for more.  Unless it’s the Nicki French cover:

 

Once again ladies and gents.  Don’t modernize timeless classics.  They more often than not disappoint you.

 

 --------

 

…we can’t talk about 1983 and not have a Michael Jackson song super high up this list.


3. “Billie Jean” – Michael Jackson


I know I know.  Separate the art from the artist....is starting to become a bit of a critiquing cliché, isn’t it?  Like even I can admit that.  I’ve used that phrase for my fair share of artists over the years doing my year end retrospectives of past and present.  That doesn’t necessarily mean all terrible people make terrible music.  Unless you are Tekashi 6ix9ine who I’ll never understand the appeal of being an unlikeable piece of shit.

So let me say this once and for all.  Michael Jackson may have been a pedophile.  It wouldn’t surprise me if he was.  There were just too many signs while he was still alive and my stance sure didn’t change when that documentary aired around this time last year.  But when it comes to making music, Michael Jackson was undeniably one of the best pop artists who ever lived.  His discography is full of great hits.  His dance moves are iconic.  His overall presence as an entertainer is without question.  Michael Jackson’s legacy as one of the best pop artists of all time is absolutely valid when he has made so much great music.

And “Billie Jean” is quite simply one of the best songs of Michael Jackson’s career.  It is arguably my favorite of his too alongside “Smooth Criminal”.  This song is just too perfect for words.  And if that sounds like a cop out for me to no write any more about this song; well all I have to say is “THE KID IS NOT MY SON.”

…yeah it’s a cop out.

-------- 

 



When it came to discussing why “Umbrella” was my number one hit song of 2007, I mentioned the one huge reason why it is placed at the top of the list is because it perfectly epitomizes why pop music is so great.  Every single element of the song just excels greatly at being a pop song.  And if you want another example of a perfect pop song, look no further than that other huge hit from “Flashdance”.


2. “Flashdance… What a Feeling” – Irene Cara



You know a song this damn near perfect when it comes from a movie that I think is absolutely terrible.  Despite spawning some of the biggest hit songs of this year, “Flashdance” is a prime example of a movie being “all style” but “no substance”.  Sure those stylistic moments are some of the flashiest scenes in 1980s movies history like this iconic moment:

 

…um what was I talking about again?  But if you seriously watch this movie, this script has no substance.  It’s generic and plot hole filled.  These characters are flat.  You can predict every single twist and turn in this overrated pile of garbage.

But for as much as I hate this movie, this song is absolute pop perfection.  I don’t know much about Irene Cara as a performer.  I know she was in the movie “Fame” a few years before; another bad 80s movie.  However, this will forever be Irene Cara’s defining moment as an actor/singer.  Not only due it being an Academy Award winning song.  But for just being an absolute titan of a pop song.

For four minutes, you just get absolutely lost in this slice of pop perfection.  It is like its own world where you just want to escape and dance in your feelings.  Which I have.  Countless amounts of times.  Pretty terribly….I’m not a good dancer.  But who cares?  It’s not about a singular dance.  It’s about the feeling you have while escaping from the troubles of your world by dancing.  And you know what?  I will gladly escape from the troubles this year has brought to us any chance I get.  What a feeling indeed.

 ---------


So what is the best hit song from one of the best years for music?  This was a challenge.  More so than ever before.  Because so many of these songs are just so iconic.  So beloved.  So cherished.  All are timeless classics that were so tough to rank.  But in the end, I had to go with what song has stood the test of time the best for me.  A truly exceptional classic that I often revisit when it comes to listening to my music.  Back when I had an iPod, it was one of the most listened to songs and for damn good reason.  I mean it’s so good that not even a terrible cover from a few years ago didn’t damage my thoughts on the original.

 

…does this reveal have to be any more anti-climatic after this giveaway?


1. “Africa” – Toto



And I’ll be honest.  Despite having one of the best songs of all time in their discography, I’m not that big of a Toto fan.  To me, Toto has always been a tad overrated.  They aren’t awful by any means, but when it comes to songs I like by them, I can honestly only name three or four songs of theirs I like in comparison to other classic rock acts of this time. 

So why this?  How did they make a song this goofy end up sounding so perfect?  Accidental genius.  Seriously:

https://omny.fm/shows/kroqfm-on-demand/interview-toto-covers-weezers-hash-pipe

Half of the band even admits that the song was a dumb goofy experiment about how many times they can make references to the continent.  And not even that, they were considering not putting this on their album Toto IV because it doesn’t sound like anything they’ve ever done before.  To that I say, screw you guys.  This is the best song you’ve ever done because it truly doesn’t sound like anything you’ve ever done before.  This band should have fully embraced their total complete turn to pop music sooner.

Every element of this song is just so gloriously amazing.  Whether it be the vocals harmonizing so well.  That riff that plays throughout the entirety of the song that will never be replicated ever no hard Rivers Cuomo tried to ruin it.  And of course, the absolutely goofy lyrics about Africa themselves.  I’ve always had a feeling that these guys have never been to the continent of Africa and just assumed all of this stuff based off of late night documentaries and other people’s experiences.  But you know what?  With how passionately they sound about wanting to go to Africa, it makes me even want to go.

But just like I mentioned with Journey, it’s just the way this song is sold that makes this one of my favorite songs of all time.  Every verse, every hook, every instance of this song is just instantly imprinted into my noggin.  Personal fact about me.  As much as I love music, I can’t memorize every single lyric of a song without listening to the music itself.  “Africa” by Toto is one of five songs I can instantly quote word for word without listening to the music.  That’s how much this song personally means to me.

I just love the fact that the 2010s fully embraced this, at the time, underappreciated classic.  Whether millennials discovered this song from Family Guy, South Park, or Stranger Things (off the top of my head) or the Weezer cover a couple years ago, this song won’t soon be forgotten.  Especially as my best hit song of one of the best years in pop music history.

 

------


As always, here is my full ranking of the Billboard's Year End List for 1983 from best to worst.

 

The 1983 Year End Ranked: 

1. “Africa” – Toto

2. “Flashdance…What a Feeling” – Irene Cara

3. “Billie Jean” – Michael Jackson

4. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – Bonnie Tyler

5. “Come On Eileen” – Dexys Midnight Runners

6. “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)” – Journey

7. “Every Breath You Take” – The Police

8. “I’m Still Standing” – Elton John

9. “1999” – Prince

10. “Always Something There to Remind Me” – Naked Eyes

11. “Down Under” – Men at Work

12. “Allentown” – Billy Joel

13. “Maniac” – Michael Sembello

14. “The Safety Dance” – Men Without Hats

15. “Sweet Dreams (Are Made For This)” – Eurythmics 

16. “Faithfully” – Journey

17. “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” – Michael Jackson

18. “Sexual Healing” – Marvin Gaye

19. “Photograph” – Def Leppard

20. “Electric Avenue” – Eddy Grant

21. “Maneater” – Hall & Oates

22. “Little Red Corvette” – Prince

23. “Hungry Like The Wolf” – Duran Duran

24. “Back on the Chain Gang” – Pretenders

25. “Tell Her About It” – Billy Joel

26. “Twilight Zone” – Golden Earring

27. “Rock the Casbah” – The Clash

28. “Affair of the Heart” – Rick Springfield

29. “She Works Hard For the Money” – Donna Summer

30. “Beat It” – Michael Jackson

31. “Let’s Dance” – David Bowie

32. “Human Nature” – Michael Jackson

33. “Our House” – Madness

34. “She Blinded Me With Science” – Thomas Dolby

35. “Too Sky” – Kajagoogoo

36. “Promises Promises” – Naked Eyes

37. “Stray Cat Strut” – Stray Cats

38. “Dirty Laundry” – Don Henley

39. “Overkill” – Men at Work

40. “Goody Two-Shoes” – Adam Ant

41. “Shame on the Moon” – Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band

42. “Stand Back” – Stevie Nicks

43. “Steppin’ Out” – Joe Jackson

44. “Heartbreaker” – Dionne Warwick

45. “Solitaire” – Laura Branigan

46. “We’ve Got Tonight” – Kenny Rogers & Sheena Easton

47. “Fall In Love With Me” – Earth, Wind, & Fire

48. “It’s a Mistake” – Men at Work

49. “China Girl” – David Bowie

50. “I Won’t Hold You Back” – Toto

51. “Don’t Cry” – Asia

52. “Come Dancing” – The Kinks

53. “Baby Come to Me” – Patti Austin & James Ingram

54. “I’ve Got a Rock ‘n’ Roll Heart” – Eric Clapton

55. “Gloria” – Laura Branigan

56. “You Got Lucky” – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

57. “Family Man” – Hall & Oates

58. “Time (Clock of the Heart)” – Culture Club

59. “Breaking Us In Two” – Joe Jackson

60. “What About Me” – Moving Pictures

61. “Heart to Heart” – Kenny Loggins

62. “One on One” – Hall & Oates

63. “Der Kommissar” – After The Fire

64. “(Keep Feeling) Fascination” – The Human League

65. “Hot Girls in Love” – Loverboy

66. “Is There Something I Should Know?” – Duran Duran

67. “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?” – Laura Branigan

68. “She’s a Beauty” – The Tubes

69. “Up Where We Belong” – Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes

70. “You Can’t Hurry Love” – Phil Collins

71. “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya” – Culture Club

72. “Lawyers In Love” – Jackson Browne

73. “Your Love is Driving Me Crazy” – Sammy Hagar

74. “Jeopardy” – The Greg Kihn Band

75. “Tonight I Celebrate My Love” – Peabo Bryson & Roberta Flack

76. “Dead Giveaway” - Shalamar

77. “Take Me to Heart” - Quarterflash

78. “All This Love” - DeBarge

79. “The Other Guy” – Little River Band

80. “I Know There’s Something Going On” – Frida

81. “You Are” – Lionel Richie

82. “Straight From the Heart” – Bryan Adams

83. “(She’s) Sexy + 17” – Stray Cats

84. “All Right” – Christopher Cross

85. “It Might Be You” – Stephen Bishop

86. “Try Again” - Champaign

87. “Don’t Let it End” – Styx

88. “My Love” – Lionel Richie

89. “Pass the Dutchie” – Musical Youth

90. “Never Gonna Let You Go” – Sergio Mendes

91. “Far From Over” – Frank Stallone

92. “You and I” – Eddie Rabbitt & Crystal Gayle

93. “True” – Spandau Ballet

94. “The Girl Is Mine” – Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney

95. “Truly” – Lionel Richie

96. “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” – Culture Club

97. “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” – Air Supply

98. “Mickey” – Toni Basil

99. “Mr. Roboto” – Styx

100. “Puttin On the Ritz” – Taco


--------

And as always, if you want more thoughts on certain songs I did not talk about, please let me know in the comments below.  Not sure what I'll be reviewing next, but I promise it won't be too long before I share another post with you all again soon.  Thanks for following me and I'll be back with more content soon.  Take care and stay safe.

Sunday, July 5, 2020

The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1983


It feels like I’ve been talking about so much negativity with these blog entries as of late.  Whether it be my last two movie reviews being terrible movies, which they are.  Or talking about two of the worst music years I’ve ever covered doing these year-end retrospectives.  And let’s not forget that 2020 is arguably the worst year any of us have ever lived through.  I really need to give myself a break and talk about something positive.  How about one of the best years ever for music?

1983!!!



Aww yeah.  Now this is what I’m talking about.  So much good music that I’m going to drown in it.



I absolutely adore this year.  In all my year-end retrospectives that I’ve done; whether it be previous blogs, other forums, or here; only 2015 comes close to matching the greatness that is 1983.  Hell I could make a Top 50 and still have to make some super painful cuts.  That’s how truly great this year is.

But like I always do, I’m going to start by talking about the bad stuff.  Because let’s face it, isn’t that how it always goes?  Plus I know what gets my blog more views.  How is it that worst lists get like twenty more views than best lists?  I don’t get it.  And speaking of not getting it, how could the general public have so much good taste this year and still let in some fairly bad songs on this year-end?  Just because this is the best year I’ve covered so far doesn’t excuse some of the crap that still got popular.  So let's get this list up where we belong.  We are counting down...





THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1983  





--------



And I’m going to start this list off with asking one simple question.  What in the nine hells were everyone involved with this thinking?


10. “Far From Over” – Frank Stallone



And I’m not just referring to this song.  I’m referring to everything this song was tied with.  Who asked for a sequel to “Saturday Night Fever”?  Why did John Travolta want any part of this?  Who thought Sylvester Stallone could direct?  Why did his brother forge out a singing career?  Why was this the theme for literally one of the worst reviewed sequels of all-time (the rare 0% on Rotten Tomatoes)?

So many baffling questions.  So little time to answer them all.  Although one of them is easy to answer.  John Travolta has never been one to say no to all-time terribly reviewed movies.  He has one of the all-time strangest career arches for an admittedly good actor...ahem...

https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/flx-editorial-wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/14161822/Battlefield_Earth_Anniversary1.jpg

But this isn’t about Travolta.  This is about the song.  Which is just your run of the mill cheesy empowerment anthems with one exception.  It is coming from an all-time great Hollywood actor’s kid brother who hides the fact he can’t sing with glaringly obvious vocal effects.  I mean I hate to be obvious here, but this is no “Staying Alive”.



I mean hell, do I need to spell out for you all?  That’s an all-time classic that got big due to one of the most iconic movies of the 70s.  I mean it’s so iconic that the song is the name for the movie sequel.  It can’t be any more obvious than that.  I’m not saying this song isn’t the reason the movie got 0%, but the fact that this song isn’t empowering to anybody isn’t helping matters.

And that’s the end of the Saturday Night Fever franchise.  Safe to say we aren’t ever going to get the long awaited third movie “Far From Over”.  Because nobody is asking for that.


------


Oh boy.  You again.


9.  “You and I” – Eddie Rabbitt & Crystal Gayle



For those of you who didn’t follow me from my forum going days, Eddie Rabbitt made my worst of 1979 list with his shitty jealousy snoozefest “Suspicions”.  Little did I know at the time that Eddie Rabbitt was one of the biggest country-pop crossover artists at the time.  He tried to bring mainstream credibility to the genre along the same lines that Kenny Rogers did before him.  But man this guy is no Kenny Rogers.  If only he had Kenny’s charisma and charm.

And here Eddie is again.  Boring up the charts once more.  This time with some company.  I’m not even going to pretend that I know a damn thing about Crystal Gayle.  I mean this is the most recognized song of hers by Apple Music so clearly this was her biggest hit.  And I couldn’t tell you a damn thing about this other than it is a total snoozer.  You know for a song called “You and I’, I wish these two had some sort of chemistry.  But Eddie’s voice overpowers Crystal’s by a country mile.  And when I can make out what Crystal Gayle sounds like, she sounds awful.

Time to wrap this up before the AARP crowd grab their pitchforks in defense of this.  After all, this was one of the fifteen biggest hits of this year.  How!?


------


So Wikipedia considers this one of the worst songs of all-time.  Doesn't that say a lot?


8. “True” – Spandau Ballet



I mean I wouldn’t go that far, but I get it.  I absolutely get why.  This song is a load of shlock.  I mean these are some of most inept corny lyrics in a ballad I’ve ever heard.  Let’s count down the top five worst lyrics in this song, shall we?


THE TOP FIVE WORST LYRICS


5. “With a thrill in my head and a pill on my tongue.  Dissolve the nerves that have just begun.”

Okay I get how a pill might help resolve nerves, but a thrill in your head?

4. “Listening to Marvin all night long.  This is the sound of my soul.”

Buddy.  You could only wish your shitty five minute song would come close to sniffing the greatness of Marvin Gaye.

3. “I bought a ticket to the world but now I’ve come back again.”

Okay this might not be number one on this lyric list, but this is the most confusing line in the whole song.  Most logical explanation?  Aliens.

2. “Take your seaside arms and write the next line.”

Or else you’re going to listen to some more inane babbling from this guy.  And what the hell are seaside arms?

1. “Why do I find it hard to write the next line?”

Truer words have never been spoken.  Did they just give up while writing this song?  Because this lyric is mentioned at least three times.   I guess this much is true.


------


It sure takes some pretty big cahonies to place the lead single from one of the biggest albums of all-time.  But seriously now.  THE DOGGONE GIRL IS MINE!?!?!?


7. “The Girl Is Mine” – Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney



For being two of the biggest artists of all-time, this is what we get from the two of them?  This cheese?  I mean it doesn’t sound bad.  The instrumentals are calm and relaxing.  Michael and Paul both sound good vocally, even though they don’t really have much chemistry.  Not every song on these lists have to sound bad to make it on a worst list.  What makes this song awful in my eyes is that it’s a sterile slog.  Let’s get the obvious comparison out of the way.



This is 1998 smash hit The Boy Is Mine.  My friend Wumbo absolutely hates this song with red hot intensity.  He’s placed it on multiple worst song lists that he has written for as long as I’ve known him.  But if I can be contrarian for a minute, I kind of like it.  Sure I’ve got little to no strong opinion on either Brandy or Monica.  I think they are both bland R&B singers with little to no personality in most of their music I’ve listened to.  But this is the only song I’ve felt like either of them were able to convey strong emotions and personality.  They both list off reasons why each other is not good for this guy they are singing about and you can feel the red hot intensity of this challenge to win the guy over the other.

Meanwhile, you have The Girl Is Mine, where Paul and Michael (two singers with loads of personality) don’t even care to put a valiant fight to try and get the girl.  If anything, this is a G-rated compliment contest where in reality this concept should be a valiant fight to win the heart of this woman.

So yeah, while the rest of this song grades mostly as a C, hell even a C+…the execution alone is a big fat F and deserves to be on here.  DOGGONE!


-------


I hope you guys don’t mind but I’m going to keep this next entry short.


6. “Truly” – Lionel Richie




Why?  Because there is nothing to be said about the music of Lionel Richie.  He may have two to three songs worth salvaging from his discography, but the rest are just absolute utter bores.  When it comes to poster boys of the bad music of the 1980’s, Lionel Richie is one of the most recognizable to me.  His songs are just so dull and lacking any sort of emotional spark or connection.

What’s there to say about this one that hasn’t been said about “Ballerina Girl”?  Or “Endless Love”?  Or “Say You, Say Me”?  They are all just monotonous trash.  It’s funny that he is now a judge on “American Idol” because the guy with the voice above should not be one to judge vocal talents.  At least he doesn’t sound these levels of bad on his other hits from this year.  


Pitch adjustment couldn't come fast enough.  Next.


------- 


5. “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me” – Culture Club




Yes.  Moving on.



4. “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” – Air Supply




Oh dear god.  Another one.  How many times do I have to spell out how boring most of this list is?  At least the bottom three are more interesting levels of bad to make up for the rest of these uneventful slogs.

I guess I should rewind a bit and go back to number five.  I don’t think Culture Club are the worst.  The band who gave us “Karma Chameleon” are nowhere close to being on my shit list.  But this is definitely Boy George at his most whiny and insufferable.  I could play this song and the three dogs I have next door would probably get riled up due to how reedy and inexplicably awful his voice is on this.

And speaking of awful voices, then there is Air Supply.  Who I think are one of the worst acts from this time period.  And this is arguably their biggest hit.  An incredibly poor man’s version of a Meat Loaf song.  No seriously.  This is written and produced by Jim Steinman, who often worked with Meat Loaf.  I bet you anything Meat Loaf threw this song directly into the trash and Air Supply lead singer Russell Hitchcock picked it up and immediately thought he could salvage this.  And boy did he make nothing out of nothing at all.

Okay now that I got that out of the way, let’s move on to the more stimulating terrible songs on this list.  Before everyone reading falls asleep.


------


So before I made the move to my blog, one of the projects I did on another site was talking about the best and worst hit songs of the decade based off Billboard’s decade end list.  I never finished the best hit songs of the decade list due to burnout from taking on so many other projects before I switched mediums and inspired to get recognized for my writing outside of regular forums. 



But one of my biggest hot takes for my best list would have been that “Shake It Off” was one of my favorite hits of the decade.  And I know a lot of people who hate that song, but I’ve always admired it. Taylor has the charisma and personality to make it work for me.  It’s also fun and insanely catchy.
So with that being said, I understand why so many people find it obnoxious.  That forcefully upbeat energy, that rap breakdown, and that cheerleader chant.  I actually like all of that, but I get it.  It’s why I can’t stand this song that “Shake It Off” has always reminded me of.


3. “Mickey” – Toni Basil




Annoying.  Absolutely annoying.  But I’ll be damned if it doesn’t stick with you.  The moment you hear this song, it just doesn’t leave your head.  There are ear worms and then there are ear piranhas like “Mickey”.  Like I can actively feel this song taking over my mind while writing this entry.  And you know what, that’s fine.  But this song isn’t remotely good.

There’s a reason why the music video is more memorable than the song.  Because everyone involved, especially Toni Basil herself, are working so hard on it.  You know what fine.  It’s a good video.  But that doesn’t make up for a song that has no reason to be considered a song.  That cheerleader chant is the song.  Because nobody remembers the rest of it due to Toni Basil not being a remotely good singer and production work that sounds grade school levels of competent at best.

I’m all for cheerleading, but not at these levels of obnoxious and plasticity.  2, 4, 6, 8.  Who do I not appreciate?  MICKEY!  MICKEY!  BOO MICKEY!

------


Ladies and gentlemen.  I present to you one of the gold standards of so bad, that it’s good.


2. “Mr. Roboto” – Styx



I’m not going to mince words here.  “Mr. Roboto” absolutely deserves to be this low on this list.  For as much as I admire how off the walls insane the entire “Kilroy Was Here” era of Styx was.  Seriously.  I admire how dedicated they were to stick with this stupid of a concept album.  To the point that this album broke up the band.  This song is just infuriating levels of terrible.  But let’s get the so bad, it’s good part out of the way.  This chorus is amazing.



What the hell does it even mean?




You got that right Blades of Glory.  I’ve tried and tried to figure out why this chorus entertains the hell out of me, but I’ve given into the madness.  It’s glorious 80s cheese at its finest.
But pushing the chorus aside, what the hell does any of this shit even mean?

You're wondering who I am (secret secret I've got a secret)
Machine or mannequin (secret secret I've got a secret)
With parts made in Japan (secret secret I've got a secret)
I am the modern man

I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain IBM
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised
I'm just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide

To keep me alive, just keep me alive
Somewhere to hide, to keep me alive


What the hell does any of this even mean?  It doesn’t make a god damn lick of sense.  Apparently you have to read the extensive liner notes to truly get this confusing as fuck song, but why in the hell would I have to read an overlonged explanation when you can just tell me yourself in your music.  This is the worst way to go about your hilariously stupid concept album.  Just EX-PLAIN!
At the end of the day, this disaster of the song truly deserves to be on this list.  But I’ll be damned if it doesn’t amuse the shit out of me every time I listen to it.


-------


In a year where the music of 1983 was so great, it truly pains me to say this but my number one song is one of the worst songs I’ve ever covered on any of my year-end retrospectives.  And I’ve done at least 20 of these by now.  It’s at least top five worst songs I’ve ever done so far and even in comparison to the rest of this list, those were all at least two’s or three’s out of ten; while this is a big fat zero…hell maybe a negative one.  So why not waste any more time?  My number one worst song of 1983 is…


1. “Puttin on the Ritz” – Taco




So why this?  Why is this basically one of the worst songs of all time in my opinion? Well first, a little backstory.



This is Fred Astaire for those of you who don’t know.  One of the most multi-talented entertainers of all-time.  He can do it all.  He can sing, he can act, and he can dance.  The guy was just impressive all around.  In the video above is one of his most iconic songs “Puttin’ On The Ritz”.  The original was from “Young Frankenstein”, but Fred Astaire made the song his own by putting his own spin to it.  Now the song itself is fine, but it’s the dancing that stuck with me the most.  It’s just a timeless classic that really sticks with me when it comes to my memories of Fred Astaire’s work. 

It would take something truly tasteless to ruin any sort of memory of this like, oh I don’t know….how about a ton of shitty synthesizers all over the fucking song to try and modernize it?  The mixing on this song is fucking atrocious.  That’s one thing I hated about this decade and parts of the 90’s too.  Too many modernized shitty covers of some timeless classics.  And while I’ll eventually get to other infuriating covers, it will be hard pressed to top this one as the worst example I’ve seen thus far.
It’s not like Taco does anything to add to his own spin to it.  It’s the same lethargic drone throughout five minutes.  It doesn’t ever get any interesting.  Taco is basically a non presence.  He does nothing to add any sort of spin to it.  Not a single good second worth salvaging.  Not even the tap dancing solo.  It’s like its high stepping all over Fred Astaire’s grave.

….then there is the music video.  Where it also moves at a lethargic pace, but that’s not the worst part.  Do I even need to point out what pisses me off about this?  Blackface!  Gratuitous amounts of it.  Blackface backup dancers and singers all over the place.  HOW RACIALLY INSENSITIVE CAN YOU FUCKING BE!?!!?  Is this a throwback to 1940s entertainment?  Is this to make the video memorable?  Why the fuck for this?  Who in the hell thought this was a good idea?  It’s 2020.  We don’t need this shit.  We don’t need unnecessary covers.  We don’t need classic entertainers turning in their grave.  And we absolutely don’t need racially insensitive music videos. 

If you’re blue and you don’t know what to listen to, listen to something else other than this.  Fuck Puttin’ on the Ritz.


-------

Best list is in the works.  Might take my time on it more so than usual to truly explain how awesome this year was.  Thanks for reading everyone.  Take care!