It feels like I’ve been talking about so much negativity
with these blog entries as of late.
Whether it be my last two movie reviews being terrible movies, which
they are. Or talking about two of the
worst music years I’ve ever covered doing these year-end retrospectives. And let’s not forget that 2020 is arguably
the worst year any of us have ever lived through. I really need to give myself a break and talk
about something positive. How about one
of the best years ever for music?
1983!!!
Aww yeah. Now this is
what I’m talking about. So much good
music that I’m going to drown in it.
I absolutely adore this year. In all my year-end retrospectives that I’ve
done; whether it be previous blogs, other forums, or here; only 2015 comes
close to matching the greatness that is 1983.
Hell I could make a Top 50 and still have to make some super painful
cuts. That’s how truly great this year
is.
But like I always do, I’m going to start by talking about
the bad stuff. Because let’s face it,
isn’t that how it always goes? Plus I
know what gets my blog more views. How
is it that worst lists get like twenty more views than best lists? I don’t get it. And speaking of not getting it, how could the
general public have so much good taste this year and still let in some fairly
bad songs on this year-end? Just because
this is the best year I’ve covered so far doesn’t excuse some of the crap that
still got popular. So let's get this list up where we belong. We are counting down...
THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1983
--------
And I’m going to start this list off with asking one simple
question. What in the nine hells were
everyone involved with this thinking?
10. “Far From Over” – Frank Stallone
And I’m not just referring to this song. I’m referring to everything this song was
tied with. Who asked for a sequel to
“Saturday Night Fever”? Why did John
Travolta want any part of this? Who
thought Sylvester Stallone could direct?
Why did his brother forge out a singing career? Why was this the theme for literally one of
the worst reviewed sequels of all-time (the rare 0% on Rotten Tomatoes)?
So many baffling questions.
So little time to answer them all.
Although one of them is easy to answer.
John Travolta has never been one to say no to all-time terribly reviewed
movies. He has one of the all-time
strangest career arches for an admittedly good actor...ahem...
https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/flx-editorial-wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/14161822/Battlefield_Earth_Anniversary1.jpg
But this isn’t about Travolta. This is about the song. Which is just your run of the mill cheesy
empowerment anthems with one exception. It
is coming from an all-time great Hollywood actor’s kid brother who hides the
fact he can’t sing with glaringly obvious vocal effects. I mean I hate to be obvious here, but this is
no “Staying Alive”.
I mean hell, do I need to spell out for you all? That’s an all-time classic that got big due
to one of the most iconic movies of the 70s.
I mean it’s so iconic that the song is the name for the movie sequel. It can’t be any more obvious than that. I’m not saying this song isn’t the reason the
movie got 0%, but the fact that this song isn’t empowering to anybody isn’t
helping matters.
And that’s the end of the Saturday Night Fever
franchise. Safe to say we aren’t ever
going to get the long awaited third movie “Far From Over”. Because nobody is asking for that.
Oh boy. You again.
9. “You and I” –
Eddie Rabbitt & Crystal Gayle
For those of you who didn’t follow me from my forum going
days, Eddie Rabbitt made my worst of 1979 list with his shitty jealousy
snoozefest “Suspicions”. Little did I
know at the time that Eddie Rabbitt was one of the biggest country-pop
crossover artists at the time. He tried
to bring mainstream credibility to the genre along the same lines that Kenny
Rogers did before him. But man this guy
is no Kenny Rogers. If only he had
Kenny’s charisma and charm.
And here Eddie is again.
Boring up the charts once more.
This time with some company. I’m
not even going to pretend that I know a damn thing about Crystal Gayle. I mean this is the most recognized song of
hers by Apple Music so clearly this was her biggest hit. And I couldn’t tell you a damn thing about
this other than it is a total snoozer. You
know for a song called “You and I’, I wish these two had some sort of
chemistry. But Eddie’s voice overpowers
Crystal’s by a country mile. And when I
can make out what Crystal Gayle sounds like, she sounds awful.
Time to wrap this up before the AARP crowd grab their
pitchforks in defense of this. After
all, this was one of the fifteen biggest hits of this year. How!?
So Wikipedia considers this one of the worst songs of
all-time. Doesn't that say a lot?
8. “True” – Spandau Ballet
I mean I wouldn’t go that far, but I get it. I absolutely get why. This song is a load of shlock. I mean these are some of most inept corny lyrics in a ballad I’ve ever heard. Let’s count down the top five worst lyrics in this song, shall we?
THE TOP FIVE WORST LYRICS
5. “With a thrill in my head and a pill on my tongue. Dissolve the nerves that have just begun.”
Okay I get how a pill might help resolve nerves, but a
thrill in your head?
4. “Listening to Marvin all night long. This is the sound of my soul.”
Buddy. You could only
wish your shitty five minute song would come close to sniffing the greatness of
Marvin Gaye.
3. “I bought a ticket to the world but now I’ve come back
again.”
Okay this might not be number one on this lyric list, but
this is the most confusing line in the whole song. Most logical explanation? Aliens.
2. “Take your seaside arms and write the next line.”
Or else you’re going to listen to some more inane babbling
from this guy. And what the hell are seaside arms?
1. “Why do I find it hard to write the next line?”
Truer words have never been spoken. Did they just give up while writing this
song? Because this lyric is mentioned at
least three times. I guess this much is
true.
It sure takes some pretty big cahonies to place the lead
single from one of the biggest albums of all-time. But seriously now. THE DOGGONE GIRL IS MINE!?!?!?
7. “The Girl Is Mine” – Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney
For being two of the biggest artists of all-time, this is
what we get from the two of them? This
cheese? I mean it doesn’t sound
bad. The instrumentals are calm and
relaxing. Michael and Paul both sound
good vocally, even though they don’t really have much chemistry. Not every song on these lists have to sound bad
to make it on a worst list. What makes
this song awful in my eyes is that it’s a sterile slog. Let’s get the obvious comparison out of the
way.
This is 1998 smash hit The Boy Is Mine. My friend Wumbo absolutely hates this song
with red hot intensity. He’s placed it
on multiple worst song lists that he has written for as long as I’ve known
him. But if I can be contrarian for a
minute, I kind of like it. Sure I’ve got
little to no strong opinion on either Brandy or Monica. I think they are both bland R&B singers
with little to no personality in most of their music I’ve listened to. But this is the only song I’ve felt like
either of them were able to convey strong emotions and personality. They both list off reasons why each other is
not good for this guy they are singing about and you can feel the red hot intensity
of this challenge to win the guy over the other.
Meanwhile, you have The Girl Is Mine, where Paul and Michael
(two singers with loads of personality) don’t even care to put a valiant fight
to try and get the girl. If anything,
this is a G-rated compliment contest where in reality this concept should be a
valiant fight to win the heart of this woman.
So yeah, while the rest of this song grades mostly as a C,
hell even a C+…the execution alone is a big fat F and deserves to be on
here. DOGGONE!
I hope you guys don’t mind but I’m going to keep this next
entry short.
6. “Truly” – Lionel Richie
Why? Because there is
nothing to be said about the music of Lionel Richie. He may have two to three songs worth
salvaging from his discography, but the rest are just absolute utter
bores. When it comes to poster boys of
the bad music of the 1980’s, Lionel Richie is one of the most recognizable to
me. His songs are just so dull and
lacking any sort of emotional spark or connection.
What’s there to say about this one that hasn’t been said
about “Ballerina Girl”? Or “Endless
Love”? Or “Say You, Say Me”? They are all just monotonous trash. It’s funny that he is now a judge on
“American Idol” because the guy with the voice above should not be one to judge
vocal talents. At least he doesn’t sound these levels of bad on his other hits from this year.
Pitch adjustment couldn't come fast enough. Next.
5. “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me” – Culture Club
Yes. Moving on.
4. “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” – Air Supply
Oh dear god. Another
one. How many times do I have to spell
out how boring most of this list is? At
least the bottom three are more interesting levels of bad to make up for the
rest of these uneventful slogs.
I guess I should rewind a bit and go back to number
five. I don’t think Culture Club are the
worst. The band who gave us “Karma
Chameleon” are nowhere close to being on my shit list. But this is definitely Boy George at his most
whiny and insufferable. I could play
this song and the three dogs I have next door would probably get riled up due
to how reedy and inexplicably awful his voice is on this.
And speaking of awful voices, then there is Air Supply. Who I think are one of the worst acts from
this time period. And this is arguably
their biggest hit. An incredibly poor
man’s version of a Meat Loaf song. No
seriously. This is written and produced
by Jim Steinman, who often worked with Meat Loaf. I bet you anything Meat Loaf threw this song
directly into the trash and Air Supply lead singer Russell Hitchcock picked it
up and immediately thought he could salvage this. And boy did he make nothing out of nothing at
all.
Okay now that I got that out of the way, let’s move on to
the more stimulating terrible songs on this list. Before everyone reading falls asleep.
So before I made the move to my blog, one of the projects I
did on another site was talking about the best and worst hit songs of the
decade based off Billboard’s decade end list.
I never finished the best hit songs of the decade list due to burnout
from taking on so many other projects before I switched mediums and inspired to
get recognized for my writing outside of regular forums.
But one of my biggest hot takes for my best list would have
been that “Shake It Off” was one of my favorite hits of the decade. And I know a lot of people who hate that song,
but I’ve always admired it. Taylor has the charisma and personality to make it
work for me. It’s also fun and insanely
catchy.
So with that being said, I understand why so many people
find it obnoxious. That forcefully
upbeat energy, that rap breakdown, and that cheerleader chant. I actually like all of that, but I get
it. It’s why I can’t stand this song
that “Shake It Off” has always reminded me of.
3. “Mickey” – Toni Basil
Annoying. Absolutely
annoying. But I’ll be damned if it
doesn’t stick with you. The moment you
hear this song, it just doesn’t leave your head. There are ear worms and then there are ear
piranhas like “Mickey”. Like I can
actively feel this song taking over my mind while writing this entry. And you know what, that’s fine. But this song isn’t remotely good.
There’s a reason why the music video is more memorable than
the song. Because everyone involved,
especially Toni Basil herself, are working so hard on it. You know what fine. It’s a good video. But that doesn’t make up for a song that has
no reason to be considered a song. That
cheerleader chant is the song. Because
nobody remembers the rest of it due to Toni Basil not being a remotely good
singer and production work that sounds grade school levels of competent at
best.
I’m all for cheerleading, but not at these levels of
obnoxious and plasticity. 2, 4, 6,
8. Who do I not appreciate? MICKEY!
MICKEY! BOO MICKEY!
Ladies and gentlemen.
I present to you one of the gold standards of so bad, that it’s good.
2. “Mr. Roboto” – Styx
I’m not going to mince words here. “Mr. Roboto” absolutely deserves to be this
low on this list. For as much as I
admire how off the walls insane the entire “Kilroy Was Here” era of Styx
was. Seriously. I admire how dedicated they were to stick with
this stupid of a concept album. To the
point that this album broke up the band.
This song is just infuriating levels of terrible. But let’s get the so bad, it’s good part out
of the way. This chorus is amazing.
What the hell does it even mean?
You got that right Blades of Glory. I’ve tried and tried to figure out why this
chorus entertains the hell out of me, but I’ve given into the madness. It’s glorious 80s cheese at its finest.
But pushing the chorus aside, what the hell does any of this
shit even mean?
You're wondering who I am (secret secret I've got a secret)
Machine or mannequin (secret secret I've got a secret)
With parts made in Japan (secret secret I've got a secret)
I am the modern man
I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain IBM
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised
I'm just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide
To keep me alive, just keep me alive
Somewhere to hide, to keep me alive
What the hell does any of this even mean? It doesn’t make a god damn lick of
sense. Apparently you have to read the
extensive liner notes to truly get this confusing as fuck song, but why in the
hell would I have to read an overlonged explanation when you can just tell me
yourself in your music. This is the
worst way to go about your hilariously stupid concept album. Just EX-PLAIN!
At the end of the day, this disaster of the song truly
deserves to be on this list. But I’ll be
damned if it doesn’t amuse the shit out of me every time I listen to it.
-------
In a year where the music of 1983 was so great, it truly
pains me to say this but my number one song is one of the worst songs I’ve ever
covered on any of my year-end retrospectives.
And I’ve done at least 20 of these by now. It’s at least top five worst songs I’ve ever
done so far and even in comparison to the rest of this list, those were all at
least two’s or three’s out of ten; while this is a big fat zero…hell maybe a
negative one. So why not waste any more
time? My number one worst song of 1983
is…
1. “Puttin on the Ritz” – Taco
So why this? Why is
this basically one of the worst songs of all time in my opinion? Well first, a
little backstory.
This is Fred Astaire for those of you who don’t know. One of the most multi-talented entertainers
of all-time. He can do it all. He can sing, he can act, and he can
dance. The guy was just impressive all
around. In the video above is one of his
most iconic songs “Puttin’ On The Ritz”.
The original was from “Young Frankenstein”, but Fred Astaire made the
song his own by putting his own spin to it. Now the song itself is fine, but it’s the
dancing that stuck with me the most.
It’s just a timeless classic that really sticks with me when it comes to
my memories of Fred Astaire’s work.
It would take something truly tasteless to ruin any sort of
memory of this like, oh I don’t know….how about a ton of shitty synthesizers
all over the fucking song to try and modernize it? The mixing on this song is fucking
atrocious. That’s one thing I hated
about this decade and parts of the 90’s too.
Too many modernized shitty covers of some timeless classics. And while I’ll eventually get to other
infuriating covers, it will be hard pressed to top this one as the worst
example I’ve seen thus far.
It’s not like Taco does anything to add to his own spin to
it. It’s the same lethargic drone throughout
five minutes. It doesn’t ever get any
interesting. Taco is basically a non
presence. He does nothing to add any
sort of spin to it. Not a single good
second worth salvaging. Not even the tap
dancing solo. It’s like its high
stepping all over Fred Astaire’s grave.
….then there is the music video. Where it also moves at a lethargic pace, but
that’s not the worst part. Do I even need to point out what pisses me off about this? Blackface! Gratuitous amounts of it. Blackface backup dancers
and singers all over the place. HOW
RACIALLY INSENSITIVE CAN YOU FUCKING BE!?!!?
Is this a throwback to 1940s entertainment? Is this to make the video memorable? Why the fuck for this? Who in the hell thought this was a good
idea? It’s 2020. We don’t need this shit. We don’t need unnecessary covers. We don’t need classic entertainers turning in
their grave. And we absolutely don’t
need racially insensitive music videos.
If you’re blue and you don’t know what to listen to, listen
to something else other than this. Fuck
Puttin’ on the Ritz.
-------
Best list is in the works. Might take my time on it more so than usual to truly explain how awesome this year was. Thanks for reading everyone. Take care!
No comments:
Post a Comment