So I wanted to start this re-release of my blog out right. I wanted it to be big. I wanted it to be special. So instead of doing a smaller post, I wanted to start off with one of the bigger projects I mentioned in my return post. And what bigger way to start this off with a trip down memory lane with one of my Billboard Hot 100 year end rank downs. But what year do I start off with? What year? What....year...
http://www.rebeatmag.com/week-by-week-proof-that-1974-was-the-worst-year-in-the-history-of-modern-music/
https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1671985
Sure, why not?
The 70's man! I love this decade. This and the 80's are the two years I think of when it comes to AWESOME music. So where did it all go wrong?
Why do so many major publications consider this the worst year? Well after spending practically both of my days off listening to the entire year end chart for 1974, I'll tell you why. Because the hits of this year were BBBBAAAADDDD.
Most of the really big hits of this year were really bad. Sure every year has its good music and I really like my top ten list for this year a lot. But when I look at this year end chart, I can only say I would be willing to defend like 35% of this year, you know it's a bad year. Even with modern music being the way it is, I can at least say that I like half of the songs making a year end list like last year for example. But if I've got nothing positive to say for 65% of the songs on a year end, you know this is a year not worth anyone's time.
So let's not peel the band-aid off any slower. The Show Must Go On. We're counting down.
THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1974
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So one big thing I knew about this year going in is that the early 70s consisted of a lot of bands covering other bands songs.
http://www.rebeatmag.com/week-by-week-proof-that-1974-was-the-worst-year-in-the-history-of-modern-music/
https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1671985
Sure, why not?
The 70's man! I love this decade. This and the 80's are the two years I think of when it comes to AWESOME music. So where did it all go wrong?
Why do so many major publications consider this the worst year? Well after spending practically both of my days off listening to the entire year end chart for 1974, I'll tell you why. Because the hits of this year were BBBBAAAADDDD.
Most of the really big hits of this year were really bad. Sure every year has its good music and I really like my top ten list for this year a lot. But when I look at this year end chart, I can only say I would be willing to defend like 35% of this year, you know it's a bad year. Even with modern music being the way it is, I can at least say that I like half of the songs making a year end list like last year for example. But if I've got nothing positive to say for 65% of the songs on a year end, you know this is a year not worth anyone's time.
So let's not peel the band-aid off any slower. The Show Must Go On. We're counting down.
THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1974
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So one big thing I knew about this year going in is that the early 70s consisted of a lot of bands covering other bands songs.
Take this one for example. Which is the eleventh worst song of 1974. The original “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” was a number one hit in the UK before it became a number one hit here by Bo….Derek and the Dereks? I don’t really care enough to look up their actual names right now. The song sucks and these guys suck. My point is that Paper Lace, the original band behind “Billy Don’t Be a Hero”, ended up using their sob story to power their follow-up to number one here stateside. And it was MUCH worse.
10. “The Night Chicago Died” – Paper Lace
Before I was reintroduced to this band and this song last year by my favorite music critic ToddInTheShadows; I did have prior knowledge about how awful this song was. My father had a greatest hits compilation from the 1970s when I was a kid that had two songs on this list. The other being number one, and we’ll get to that in due time. And while it took some time to develop such strong distaste for that song, I always hated this mostly due to those annoying kazoos.
But relistening to this in its entirety over the past year, I now have even more reasons to hate it. First off, Paper Lace was not an American band, that’s obvious from the fact that they think there is an east side of Chicago. Now I know how it feels when we constantly get lost in translations in our hits of the present. The least Paper Lace could have done was actually taken the time to read up on Al Capone if they are going to make up a story about him.
But most importantly, it’s that stupid cheesy happiness of watching one of our biggest cities go up in flames. WHY IS IT SO STUPIDLY HAPPY TO SEE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DIE!? No wonder these guys didn’t get a second hit here. Getting screwed by the music industry can only build up so much sympathy. It’s easy to see why they lost it all in one night. NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NAAA NAAA
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You want to know an easy way to get on my worst list? By completely butchering an all-time classic.
You want to know an easy way to get on my worst list? By completely butchering an all-time classic.
9. “I Shot the Sheriff” – Eric Clapton
Out of all the artists to end up on this worst list, Eric Clapton is by far the best. He has made plenty of songs that I like. But this? NO. Plain and simple. This should have been rejected immediately. But instead they made a cheap faux reggae white washed cover of my favorite Bob Marley song.
Do I even need to explain why the original is a classic? Because of authenticity. It’s far more believable for Bob Marley claiming self-defense over the circumstances in this song because Jamaica is a country with a history of civil unrest. It leads to a more realistic narrative that violence was the only answer in the situation at hand.
Meanwhile, we have Eric Clapton from the mean streets of Surrey, England with practically no criminal record of note. Hell I would have a hard time picturing any real scenario where Eric Clapton would have to shoot a gun at an authority figure.
Eric Clapton is one of the greatest guitarists of all-time. I respect his career and he’s an influential figure in music history. But this ain’t it chief. Next.
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The US has a weird history with novelty hits.
Not as weird of a history as England where songs like “Do The Bartman”, “Amazing Grace”, or my personal favorite
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/music-news/8115674/Two-minutes-silence-released-as-a-charity-single.html
…two minutes of complete silence made the top twenty over there. Seriously, look that weird yet true artifact up. But yeah, the USA has had some pretty damn weird hits over the years from acts like Alvin and the Chipmunks to as recent as last year with Baby Shark.
Not as weird of a history as England where songs like “Do The Bartman”, “Amazing Grace”, or my personal favorite
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/music-news/8115674/Two-minutes-silence-released-as-a-charity-single.html
…two minutes of complete silence made the top twenty over there. Seriously, look that weird yet true artifact up. But yeah, the USA has had some pretty damn weird hits over the years from acts like Alvin and the Chipmunks to as recent as last year with Baby Shark.
1974 had its fair share of novelty hits. But I’m only going to take the time to cover two pretty bad ones. One now and the other later. And I’ll have plenty of negative things to say about the second one since it is far lower on my worst list. But at the very least, I can see why it was crafted into a song. What in the nine hells was this person thinking with this idea?
8. “The Lord’s Prayer” – Sister Janet Mead
I don’t know how many of my readers are religious, but yes. This actually happened. That prayer we say every Sunday before Communion was turned into a soft rock song. Actually no. That’s an insult to soft rock because I can at least see why that would make sense from a musical stand point.
No. This is the type of contemporary Christian music that has zero reason to be on the main Billboard charts. This is the lame youth group concert you are forced against your will to see because they are having a free concert in an effort to raise money for charity or to help your community. Where you have to watch these forty something year old adults have to discover new ways to make God cool to your kids who would rather be at home on Sunday mornings in their pajamas watching cartoons and eating junk food. Yeah that’s the type of lame this idea is.
It’s safe to say that Sister Janet Mead should have never left her monastery to become a popstar. But because this peaked in the top five, maybe the regular 700 Club viewers out there need their pop music too. Next.
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Hey did you know that 1974 also had multiple nursery rhymes
make the year end list too?
7. “I Love” – Tom T. Hall
…oh wait, I’m being told that this isn’t a nursery rhyme. I stand corrected. But can you blame me for thinking this was one? Who in the hell starts off their song talking about their love for baby ducks? Baby sharks, yes. But how much this guy loves baby ducks? No. And it’s not just baby ducks this guy loves. He loves damn near everything. But not as much as he loves you too…gags.
Look I don’t care how much lame shit this guy loves. At least EMOTE. Don’t read everything off like a list in the same dull monotone. No need to be so nonchalant because you’re going to put me to sleep….unless that’s this song’s point. Then congrats! It worked. Two minutes. Felt like two hours. Next.
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6. “If You Love Me (Let Me Know)” – Olivia Newton-John
I don’t.
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….sorry for that shortened last entry…I just can’t. This year is so lame. There has to be something more interesting
that I can stick my critical teeth into.
Didn’t I mention earlier about a nursery rhyme making this year end
list….
5. “Mockingbird” – Carly Simon & James Taylor
Oh dear god. What the hell happened here?
Well for starters, I like both of these acts
individually. I love “You’re So Vain” by
Carly Simon. Right up at the top or near
it in terms of kiss off anthems. And James
Taylor is one of the better singer-songwriters from this time period. But together?
Good lord, this is fucking terrible.
Isn’t folk music supposed to have some sort of somber sound
to it? Why does this sound like it was
performed at your parent’s date night at a local karaoke bar? I know both of these artists sound A LOT
better than this for a fact. This sound
is so trite, so unpleasant that I want to rip my ears out.
And that leaves us with the subject matter, which is based
completely around the nursery rhyme “Hush Little Baby”. You know which one I’m talking about. The one where you offer your kids various
things in order for them to shut up and go to sleep. So if these two are playing this nursery
rhyme straight, I assume if you don’t get all these gifts, you aren’t loved by
your lover. Either that or your lover
wants you to shut up and go to sleep. Very
flattering message.
Remember how I said earlier that butchering an all-time
classic is an easy way to make my worst list?
I’ll give Eric Clapton’s cover this.
At least it wasn’t as bad as this.
4. “Seasons in the Sun” – Terry Jacks
I’ve read many major publications declaring this one of the
worst covers of all-time. And I can see
why right off the bat. For a song about
a dying person saying goodbye to his loved ones, this guy sounds WAY TOO
HAPPY. I swear it sounds like this guy
is going on an all-expense paid vacation instead of having a heartfelt moment
with his family and friends. What is
with this year and having hits completely fail at resonating proper emotional
tones?
I checked out the original shortly after hearing this and
while my French is very poor, I was still able to indicate sarcasm after
hearing it in his voice. Reading the
translated lyrics just made it bittersweet.
Meanwhile, this song is played with all the sunshiney happiness of a
Beach Boys song. Hell I’m sure even The
Beach Boys would reject this song for being too happy for its subject
matter.
Simply put, seasons change and any sort of love for this
song went cold.
Remember how I mentioned that there were two novelty hits on
this list? Well, no words sent more
shivers down people’s spines this year than “boogity boogity”.
3. “The Streak” – Ray Stevens
...this was a number one hit. This unfunny piece of garbage. Was streaking really that big of a fad to the
point that they’d make this comedy bit reject a number one song? Apparently so, because I fact checked that
after sitting there for four minutes not coming even remotely close to
laughing.
Wow what will these crazy kids think of next? This Ray Stevens fella sure is in touch with
the youth of today at the ripe young age of 35.
Yeah I’m not kidding. He was 35
at the time of writing this. Hell, this
just got a lot weirder. It’s like that
Steve Buscemi 30 Rock gif come to life…
Yeah that one. Except
about streaking. But even with how out
of touch this guy is with the idea of streaking, you want to know the most
annoying part of this song? It’s not the
faux redneck. It’s not the annoying
country music instrumentation. It’s
those breaking news updates during the song.
Hearing that 70s audio interrupt this unfunny mess makes the song even
more of a trainwreck.
Sad thing about all this is that I feel like Ray Stevens can
be even worse than he is here. I was
told that Ray Stevens has multiple hits around this time period. Most of them aren’t comedies. Can you imagine this failed Larry the Cable
Guy reject performing soft rock or country music straight? Dear god.
Poor Ringo.
He’s far too often the butt of a lot of jokes about how terrible his post-Beatles career was. After all, he was the narrator from Thomas the Tank Engine. That’s a pretty good gig.
More often than not, I’m willing to give Ringo’s solo hits a
pass from these worst lists. Looking
back, I just feel more sorry than mad at the guy for his hits not being that
good quality wise in comparison to his former mates. For him to make an
actual worst list of mine, he would have to just make something infuriatingly inexcusable…
2. “You’re Sixteen” – Ringo Starr
No fluffing this any longer than it needs to be. Let’s just cut straight to the lyric:
You’re sixteen, you’re
beautiful, and you’re mine
Says the over thirty year old former Beatle. Did Roy Moore write this song? What the fuck Ringo!?!?
What a problematic song this is. And surprisingly, this wasn’t the only song
from this year with implied pedophilia.
This shit disgusts me. Oh wait a
minute, I did find out who wrote this song.
The same guys who wrote songs for The Jungle Book:
Bare Necessities this is not…oh and they wrote songs for
Mary Poppins:
Great can’t listen to Spoonful of Sugar anymore. Bloody hell Ringo.
But in the end, this wasn’t even a contest for what was going
to top this worst list. The number one
song of this year is universally agreed to being one of the worst songs of all
time. Its badness is legendary. I really don’t want to open the can of warms
that comes with this song. But for you
all, I’ll try to give this the proper thrashing it deserves.
It is the man, the myth, the legend. Paul Anka.
1. “(You’re) Having My Baby” – Paul Anka
Paul Anka is a god awful singer who sounds like ass
throughout this entire song. This is the
karaoke cover of itself. It has the same
70s cheese guitar and string arrangement all ballads had at this time and it
makes me want to throw up because…well let’s not cut around the bullshit any
longer. This song is very telling that
Paul Anka is a repulsive, chauvinistic fuckwad.
So I’m pretty sure you can figure out what Paul Anka thinks
of women just from the title of this song.
He views childbearing as a woman’s way of showing HIM their love. Oh wait, I said “their”. My mistake.
Because he clearly says “MY”. How
could I be so naive thinking that it takes two to put a bun in the oven?
Oh but even worse than this? Paul Anka guilt tripping into this woman by
repeatedly pointing out that she could have had an abortion, but that she wouldn’t
do it. And maybe it’s my deep intense
hatred for this abomination, but repeating that she wouldn’t do it multiple
times makes it sound like he was quite vocal in this. FUCK YOU PAUL ANKA!
I’m very early in my retrospective year end rankings of the Hot 100, but I would be absolutely shocked if I find a song that hit number one that would be worse than this. (You’re) Having My Baby. A repulsive song by a repulsive artist.
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Best List coming out soon. But until then, thanks for reading.
