Sorry guys, that Best Film List for 2011 has hit of a creative writing block. So you know what they say when you need a break from writing one list. Just write another one.
The year is 2009. Two years prior to 2011. And we are just now entering one of the biggest eras for pop music. I swear once we entered the Obama administration, pop music started to become significant again. The early 2010's were a dynamic era for pop music as the artists had personality. The music was lively. And it just felt huge. Huger than it is now. I really genuinely do miss this era even though music is still pretty damn good as is. I'm feeling all sorts of nostalgic for stupid music.
That doesn't mean this was a good overall year. It was fine. A tad overhated from what I've read through other music based blogs. But by going off writing this worst list, yeah this worst list has some pretty large stinkers. Say what you will about how huge the music felt, but the club boom era provided some of the most stupidest songs. Which I could have filled this list up with easily. But I do have my limitations for hollow voids of nothing, which there was a lot of that too. Safe to say that while I do miss this era, I don't miss the bad music being this insulting to my intelligence.
So let's not waste any more of your valuable time with my incoherent ramblings. We're counting down!
THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2009
You can’t talk about this decade without the increasing
amount of club shit that was starting to overtake the airwaves. It was no wonder that I started listening to
more and more underground indie shit.
Yeah most of you probably don’t know this about me unless you REALLY remember
my early days, but you could have called me a hipster and I would have probably
agreed with you in hindsight. I do admit
that in hindsight, it was cool to know that I saw A Day To Remember before they
became one of the biggest alternative acts in the present and that I saw
Portugal. The Man at the smallest of concert venues before they became rebels
just for cash now. And on the lower end
of the spectrum, I also had the displeasure of these assholes opening for a
pop-punk act and then make it big out of nowhere.
10. “Don’t Trust Me” – 3OH!3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdB3Oyd5HtU
And I really shouldn’t have been surprised that these two
were big for nearly a year. As most of
you know, I’ve had the displeasure of hearing this song live in person before
having this be one of the worst things I’ve insisted on hearing for many many
years. I remember back in my early days insisting this is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard. Oh how young and naïve I used to be.
The course of time has really helped heal this song and this
act in my eyes. Of course they are still
pretty bad and this song still sucks dick, which I think is a compliment to
this act because they have god knows how many songs in their discography about
their dicks:
Yeah in case any of you were wondering what ever happened to
these guys. They’re still rapping about
their dicks like its yesteryear. As for
this song, I still wished it would make them shut their lips. Also, “DO THE HELEN KELLER AND TALK WITH YOUR
HIPS!?!?!?!” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK- you
know what, never mind. The healing
stopped and the hurting is back. Next.
Yeah I think it’s safe to say that the Pitbull era has
officially passed us by. I mean I could
be completely wrong and he shows up out of nowhere like the crazy uncle that
unexpectedly arrives on your doorstep.
Especially with latin-pop kind of sort of making a comeback, but I don’t
expect it to happen since Pitbull made this atrocity back in 2009:
Yeah my guess is it’s kind of hard to be taken as a latin
pop artist when you have this piece of garbage on your resume. But this didn’t make the list because at
least it’s entertainingly dumb. To make
this list, you have to go deep under my skin.
9. “Hotel Room Service” – Pitbull
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2up_Eq6r6Ko
What is this? When
did this song exist? How did it make the
top ten? Why have we as a society
collectively shoved this top ten smash hit collectively under the rug? And this was on the upper half of this
list. I honest to god remember
practically every song in Pitbull’s interchangeable pop discography except this
one. How did this happen?
My befuddlement aside, I think I know how I forgot this
existed. I’ve always been a Pitbull
apologist. Sure he’s had plenty of
misses that I can’t defend, but if there is one thing I can say about Pitbull
is that he can be enjoyably stupid. No
matter how repetitive he gets, he can be amusingly dumb because he always has
such energetic production to go behind him.
Not here. To put it
nicely, the production is as disgusting as this song. For a song about having hotel sex with
multiple women, shouldn’t your song sound sexy?
Not like something straight out of an arcade game?
Looking back on my 2008 list, I feel like my worst list
hasn’t held up all that well. Maybe that
should get a Retrospective Revisit someday?
Sure I still stand by not liking all of these songs but Miley Cyrus over
Danity Kane and The Pussycat Dolls atrocities from this year? What was I thinking? But plenty of choices on that list still suck
huge fat ones though.
8. “I’m Yours” – Jason Mraz
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkHTsc9PU2A
I have nothing new to say about this song that I already
haven’t said. Unless you guys find it
endearing that this song was nominated for Song of the Year and Best Male Pop
Vocal Performance at the Grammys in 2009.
But it’s the Grammys so who the hell cares:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tf9V0hwJ6qk
That Simpsons clip never gets old. Just like this song will always suck until
the end of time. Moving on.
7. “How Do You Sleep?” – Jesse McCartney (featuring
Ludacris)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bsXRqI1WbI
Okay let’s get this out of the way first. The song sounds broken. I don’t know if it’s the blipping synth, if
it’s McCartney just being a flat out terrible singer, if it’s the nursery rhyme
xylophone playing….I can’t believe this is a functioning song. It sounds like half of one, if that. Hell, I can barely make out anything at
all. Come on Jesse TRY HARDER! ANNUNCIATE MOTHERFUCKER! This needed to go back to the drawing board
all over the place.
But I think the main problem is obvious. Jesse McCartney fucking sucks. This guy just doesn’t have any sort of
starpower. Not even back in his early
days. The McCartney name doesn’t
automatically mean a quality seal of approval.
Give this whiny song to prepubescent Justin Bieber…YEAH I SAID IT…and it
would be a better song COME AT ME!
This honestly would
have been a worthy contender for the worst hit song of this year if it wasn’t
for Ludacris saving the song. Yes even
at his guest spotting all over the pop chart phase of his career, he is still a
welcome breathe of fresh air this song desperately needed. That being said, this doesn’t excuse
shit. It’s no wonder this was the nail
in the coffin for his career. Now he can
sleep all he wants.
So one of my main pop music reviewer influences started his
career around this time. I’m not going to
mince any words when I say that I am a huge fan of Todd in the Shadows. The first video I ever discovered of his was “Break
Up” by Mario. Which even til this day stands
as the worst song he has ever reviewed.
He makes that perfectly clear more or less stating that this song is what
nightmares are fueled by. He’s
right. It is an audio nightmare. And while I agree with him on that stance, it
isn’t even the worst audio nightmare on the 2009 year end list.
6. “Pop Champagne” – Jim Jones (featuring Ron Browz and
Juelz Santana)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrG4yKAVQuM
This is the much anticipated follow up to the ring-tone rap
god himself, Jim Jones. Further proving
that you too can get that much anticipated second hit by abusing autotune worse
than T-Pain ever would.
Honestly, the autotune abuse is the least of this song’s
problems. This is just one of the
laziest songs I’ve ever heard. From Jim
Jones ripping off Biggie Smalls to the phrase pop champagne being one of the most
overused clichés in all of music to this low rent T-Pain guest verse. Yeah, I know I said the autotune is the least
of the problems, but clearly they wanted T-Pain to be on this song, but even
T-Pain has standards to reject this garbage.
But this songs biggest problems is the nonexistent
production. This beat is atrocious. It’s just a thumping sound playing all over
with sometimes a synth blaring awfully here and there. How can you blast this in the club when there
is basically nothing playing over it? It’s
just a nightmare to listen to.
And that’s “Pop Champagne”.
It’s….there….waiting for someone to listen to anything else. Next.
…and speaking of listening to anything else.
5. “No Surprise” – Daughtry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyl24HRGgSU
Oh Chris Daughtry.
Your career had so much potential.
You were offered to become the lead singer of so many 90s alternative
groups like Fuel to name one. What
happened?
Honestly, the American Idol corporate machine happened. After lots and lots of devastated fans
mourned their favorite getting knocked out too early on his season, Chris
Daughtry made water into wine. He was
given so many opportunities to become other acts lead singers to the point that
he said fuck it and formed his own band.
But that immediately turned into Chris Daughtry, an already
vanilla personality, forming an even more vanilla band. What could have led to more of a rock revival
quickly became one of the least interesting adult alternative acts the genre
spewed out. With each passing single
becoming more forgettable than the next.
And this is honestly the most forgettable of them all. I at least could tell you a few lines from
the likes of “It’s Not Over” and “Home”.
I honestly couldn’t tell you a damn thing about this song except it is about
a couple on the rocks…..OH so its “It’s Not Over” again. This time with a Chad Kroeger writing
credit. That’s not surprising to me in
the slightest because this sounds like Chris Daughtry trying to sound like Chad
Kroeger.
Sorry, but I don’t hear anthemic like the critics call
it. I just hear inoffensive mush that
would be perfect retail playlist fodder.
With all the knocks against Flo Rida’s inexplicably very
successful pop career, I have to give the man a ton of credit. He knows his way around a damn good
hook. It’s why you have never seen him
criticize the man that everyone forgets.
Shoot, even on the songs I outright hate by the guy, I have to admit that
they are still very catchy. That guy
sure knows how to utilize those samples to get them stuck in your head. He also knows how to pick out frequently good
to great collaborators. So what do you
get when you do neither of those two things?
Well you get this.
4. “Sugar” – Flo Rida (featuring Wynter)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4WS_Q5Mq2s
How do you mess up a sample this badly? I blame most of the problems with this song
solely on the execution. There are far
better ways to utilize a sample then by grabbing one that’s recognizable and
shoving it into your totally unrelated song.
A good sample adds to the layers of the song. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH EIFFEL 65 AT
ALL!? It’s like Flo Rida thought this
overdone topic about candy/sexual double entendres couldn’t stand on its own
two feet without something to pull you in so he decided to thrown in that
sample of “Blue (Da Ba Dee)”.
I’ll actually give Flo Rida credit. Him doing his same damn thing that I’ll
completely forget by the time this song is over is more memorable than whoever
this Wynter girl is. How does she manage
to be more forgettable than a guy that anyone can outshine? But the lyrics don’t matter because it’s a
Flo Rida song, who cares. It all comes
down to the sample that doesn’t blend well at all with the production. What the hell is going on with those
synths? It’s nauseating. Whoever the hell mixed this song had to have
lost their job over this. Jesus.
Unlistenable. Next.
What a career this woman has had. Spanning for over a decade now, I can
genuinely say that there hasn’t been a career arch like Miley Cyrus’s. Who else can say that they went from making
Disney pop fluff to provocative party girl shit to psychedelic rock/pop to
adult alternative fluff to nostalgic 80s throwbacks? Nobody.
There is only one Miley Cyrus and she will continue to follow her
passion to whatever niche circles she’ll want to explore next. And I respect that about her…but she does
have her limitations.
3. “The Climb” – Miley Cyrus
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs
Say what you will about the bad music from Miley’s
discography like “Can’t Be Tamed” or “We Can’t Stop” or in my honest opinion
and I know this is a hot take, but “Wrecking Ball”. At least they have interesting levels of bad
to them. At least Miley puts forth the
effort and believes they are good to her.
“The Climb” is the most generic, uninteresting, unchallenging, run of
the mill, dull, vapid, hollow….need I go on?
It’s a nothing of a song performed by someone who clearly did a first
draft level performance of it.
It is funny that I brought up “American Idol” previously in
this post because this sounds like something the loser has to give as a final
performance to remind themselves that their dream isn’t over yet. And its performed like that too. My god I know Miley doesn’t have the most
angelic voice but I’d rather be listening to 2009 Justin Bieber over 2009 Miley
Cyrus if I’m being brutally honest. At
least I can laugh at the former, while the latter I just want her to wrap it up
before I fall asleep.
Say what you will about her, but Miley is absolutely far
more talented and deserving to be more challenged than given reality show
leftovers.
I had this song ranked pretty high on my worst songs ever
countdown and with all the short-sighted decisions that went into ranking those
songs, my hatred for this song has only gone up since then. It was ranked pretty high too, so let that
emphasize how much I still despise this song.
And it comes from quite the familiar punching bag of mine. In case you all forgot who he is, SING IT
MAN!
2. “What’cha Say” – Jason DeRulo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBI3lc18k8Q
God what a first impression of the amounts this guy
sucks. One of the worst examples of
sampling I’ve ever come across. And the
amounts of unfathomably awful moments of this song from DeRulo implying that
him becoming a star will make the cheating stop to him singing along with
Imogean Heap. I don’t think this guy
understands sarcasm at all. It’s no
surprise that we brought Chris Brown back after his career was left for dead
after the incident. We tried to replace
him with someone even worse as a performer.
I’ve said once before that “Wiggle” is the worst song that
this man will ever do. And I still stand
by saying that about such a god awful song.
But this is a close second. I hate
it that much.
But alas, it’s the end of an era for me. Because as of this moment, I don’t think I’m
ever going to talk about Jason DeRulo on this blog ever again. His career is more or less a novelty. He isn’t making music I outright hate
anymore. He’s just…there. Who knows, maybe someday he’ll make something
that outright pisses me off again. He’s
come back from irrelevance more than once before. I just think that talking about Jason DeRulo
has now officially overstayed its welcome on here. And now that I’ve officially covered every
year this man has been relevant in, it’s all the best that we do the same.
R.I.P. THE COMEDICALLY BAD, BUT ACTUAL INTOLERANCE FOR THE
MUSIC OF JASON DERULO
2009 – 2020
I know what you all are thinking. WHAT!?
YOU DIDN’T RANK JASON DERULO AS YOUR NUMBER ONE?! Oh trust me, it was incredibly hard not to do
so. You all know how easy of a pick that
would be. What’cha Say is an awful awful
song. But at least it’s recognizably
distinct.
My number one choice from this year is somewhat different
from the usual norms of criteria I go through picking this list. On its own merits, it’s not your usual levels
of what to expect from bad pop music.
But if you put it into the context of what this year had to offer, then
yeah, it is unacceptable that this was one of the biggest songs of the year and
an overlooked song from my own 2010 worst list.
How did this fly under the radar from the MANY songs I ranted about from
that year?
Simple. It sounded
like everything else on the radio.
Nothing about it stands out. There
is literally no outstanding qualities to my number one choice and at the end of
the day, this stood out as the worst this year had to offer.
1. “Replay” – Iyaz
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoG5jJ3E8rg
What a fitting name for a song that was overplayed back in
this time period. Seriously, if I can
best represent what pop music sounded like back in this time period, it would
sound exactly like “Replay” by Iyaz. It
has it all:
-Groanworthy usage of the word “shorty”
-Terrible producer namechecking himself in the beginning: JR
Rotem is on the shitlist if I haven’t placed him there yet.
-Random guys shouting “HEY!”
-Vaguely foreign R&B singer who is trying to replace
Chris Brown in the pop music landscape.
-Taking mannerisms from other artists? Dude is practically a ripoff of Akon more
than anybody else.
-A remix from one of the following: Ludacris, Akon, Lil
Wayne, T-Pain, or Flo Rida. It’s the
last one in case any of you are wondering.
-R&B synths
-Crooning about how in love he is with a woman.
Yeah this song has practically everything that you could get
from your male pop/R&B singers in 2009.
Not to mention that this guy is the protégé to Sean Kingston, you know
the guy he is years older than? This is
one of the most useless songs I’ve ever come across while doing these chart
retrospectives. It’s blithering amounts
of boring and I’ve got zero use for it.
Iyaz is one of the most anti-charistmatic performers I’ve ever come
across and was just part of a trend that I’m glad we’ve swept under a rug. I’m
going to end this ranking the same way Iyaz begins and ends this song. Blandly.
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